Sometimes I think about all the people who are on Facebook that could potentially be reading this and I hold back my honesty. But what is the point? What is the point in telling half truths or glossing things over or worrying what some people may think? Especially since I really have no idea who actually reads this.
I quit my job at the Valle Vista Library. And not because I suddenly found my calling as a substitute teacher. But because of the money. That's right I made a life decision based on the all mighty dollar. And that's not even the thing that's bothering me. I'm bothered by the fact that I truly believe I'm not good at it.
My lack of self confidence has been growing exponentially since my last year in college. You see, when I came back from London, I was ready. Ready to take on the world. I signed up for way too many classes, gave myself an impossible work load and made arrangements to be stage managing shows in both my last two quarters at UCI. I was full steam ahead and nothing could stop me. Only absolutely everything did.
I stage managed a show in my last quarter at UCI. And I did badly. I'm not trying to be self deprecating when I say that. I just didn't do a very good job. For one thing I was taking on a responsibility that I was not ready for. I hadn't even been an assistant stage manager yet. But my greedy ambition didn't care. I also was not making it my priority. All I ever thought about was going back to London or escaping Irvine to be home with Bradley and my friends. I just didn't care enough. And I do truly feel bad about it. I still don't think I was the best person for the job but I know I could have done better.
And the director basically called me on it. And looking back I actually appreciate how she handled it. At the time I didn't. But having a stage manager that clearly is not handling the job well had to have been frustrating. I didn't know what I was doing and I was always looking for an excuse as to why something wasn't going the right way that didn't make it my fault. And sometimes it wasn't. But either way it was not my best effort.
Now I can't over emphasize how much this experience shook me. Suddenly I was sure that I was not going to be a stage manager. And for the past three out of four years at college that was what I had been planning on. I was going to be a stage manager. And then suddenly I wasn't. I was adrift. I was scared, I was depressed I was angry at everyone and everything. And then I screwed everything up.
I had two GE courses left to graduate. That's it. Just two. And in this very angry, depressing, I don't give a shit about anything last quarter of college...I failed. I failed those last two GE courses. I did not graduate from UCI in 2011 like everyone thought I had. I had failed on a monumental scale.
Now I was able to go through with the graduation ceremony because if it is possible to graduate in the summer quarter, which it was, then you are still allowed to walk. So I did. I walked thinking vaguely of signing up for summer quarter. And after it was too late for that I thought of signing up for Fall quarter. And after it was too late for that I thought of signing up at MSJC and just taking the credits there. Excuse after excuse year after year. I spent all of 2012 being unemployed and out of school and...I don't even remember what I did.
***By the way hardly anybody actually knew about this. I kept this secret from pretty much everyone for the past five years. So Mom if you are reading this...Sorry!***
In March of 2013 I finally did get a job. I started working as a cashier at the Sizzler in Banning. And when I started to really not like that job I got my job at the library in March of 2014. And when the money wasn't getting me anywhere I finally said enough was enough. I signed up for MSJC in the Fall of 2015. I took my last two classes I needed. I finally graduated college. In March of 2016 I was hired as a substitute teacher.
Now I don't think I'm doing that badly as a substitute teacher. I'm not the greatest. I know I need to learn how to best control a class room. But I don't think I'm the worst at it. But I got a bad review on one particular job. And I know the mature adult thing to do is take the criticism for what it is, shake it off, and just focus on doing well in future jobs. But as you may have gleamed from the above story I don't handle criticism all that well.
But here is the thing. I don't have any great big dreams to become a teacher. It's not what I want to do. I want to be a writer. But I feel like I'm always writing about nothing. I thought maybe for once I should write something real. Let myself be vulnerable and just say something honest. I'm scared to post this. But I'm more scared to fail again.
There are some days when I get to the end of the day and I just think "What did I do today that was worth anything?" And it's a constant thing. It's a constant struggle I have with myself. I am my own worst enemy. And today despite finally having my degree and making more money than I personally ever have before I still don't particularly like who I see in the mirror. And that's my own issue that I need to sort out. And I know I'm not alone in feeling this way.
And I would just like to say thank you to those who have helped me and supported me (both emotionally and financially) through out my life and especially these last five years. I truly don't know what I would have done without such people as including but not limited to my parents, Bradley, Bradley's parents, my entire family, Bradley's entire family, Danny, Megan, Double J, Jolene, Anthony, Lewis, et al *Please forgive me if I didn't include your name. There's a lot of good people in my life*.
But back to my introductory sentence. I haven't written a damn thing. As far as my book is concerned. Which means I have lost a week and a half. That's okay though. A bad start does not necessarily have to lead to a bad finish.
This post got a lot more honest and confessional than I had planned. But I think that's a good thing. And I hope this didn't make too many people angry. *Again, sorry Mom*. But if I can't write honestly then I don't think I am going to get very far. I want to start believing in myself again. And I have to do that before I can ask anyone else to.
Thank you for reading. I truly do appreciate it.
