I am not subbing anymore!
This is a decision I made all of one hour ago. When I got into a classroom, took a look at the lesson plan and had a panic attack.
That's really embarrassing to admit. But I did. I took a look around the classroom and realized I wanted to be anywhere but there. I left so frazzled I left the sub folder and my water bottle in the classroom. And I got in my car all sweaty and panicky and of all days the AC breaks! And I'm sitting there trapped in my hot car in the school traffic just wanting to gun it at 90mph. Breathing to say the least was difficult.
I got home and called Brad in tears. I was so damn frustrated with myself. For one thing I knew I shouldn't have accepted the sub job. I wasn't going to. But the thought of money and the fact that I really didn't have anything going on today made me feel like I'd be being lazy not to. Not doing enough. And the inevitable and terrible habit of comparing myself to everyone else started. This person does this, this and this while dealing with all this and I can't do this.
I was screaming in my head "I can't do this!" "I can't do this!" But I was saying it like it's a bad thing. Because that's what we all do right? When we say we can't do something we say it like it's bad. Like it's bad of us for not being able to do it. But what if it's a good thing? What if by finally saying " I can't do it!" I'm actually finally letting myself off the hook for something that I, in actuality, don't have to be doing?
Scenario 1: I don't sub anymore.
Results: Life goes on
When I first started subbing I was optimistic about it. Mostly because of the money. The more I did it the more I hated it. As much as I hated it though I couldn't quit even after I got hired at the library again. Because if I quit then I would literally be doing nothing with my degree. The degree I spent thousands of dollars on. The degree that wasn't the right degree because I'm back in school.
Scenario 2: I don't have a job that requires my degree
Results: Life goes on.
It just always felt like I should be using my degree. Like I was doing something wrong if I wasn't. When the truth is, I just don't want to.
I'm in school again. I'm taking a creative writing class where all we do is actually write. A lot of it is nothing. Small little writing exercises. But I like it. I like going. I like actually doing some writing even if it's not at the epic novel stage yet. And I'm taking a women's lit class. Every time I leave that class I want to go kick all the Brett Kavanaugh's in the world, in the balls and spit on them.
I'm up for another promotion at the library. It would pretty much be the same job. It would be going from 20 to 30 hours a week, plus medical. And I would officially be put in charge of the program that I'm already kind of running. My interview is on Monday.
But honestly whether I get that promotion or not, I'm not subbing anymore.
Scenario 3: Cut out something in your life that makes you unhappy.
Results: Get happier.
That scenario sounds so simple. But do people actually do that? Do they actually look at their life, notice something that makes them unhappy, and decide to change it? A lot of the time it's not as simple as quitting a job, I know. Sometimes people can't afford to quit. And don't get me wrong, Brad and I aren't exactly sitting pretty, but...it won't kill us.
(Side gushy note. I love my husband. Like a lot. Like a lot a lot.)
So that's that I guess. I'm not subbing anymore. I'm going to school, I'm working at the library.
I can live with that :)
