Writing for Dummies

You can't call yourself a writer if you don't write.

I was cleaning up my room at my parents house a couple of weeks ago. I came across an old class folder from UCI. It was a folder for a class called How to Succeed in Show Business. At least I think that was the title. Something along those lines. But it wasn't just for people who wanted to go into show business. It was basically a "you're almost out of college here are some things you should know and do to be successful" kind of class. You get me?

I went through the folder. We had been given an assignment where we were basically given a bunch of questions about our life goals and ambitions. We answered where we expected to be in three, five and ten years. FYI it's been over six years since the class. And yes a lot of my expectations have definitely not come to pass. But that's okay. Dreams change. Goals get readjusted. What we wanted six years ago definitely may not be what we want today. That's not the point.

The point is I wrote. I mean my answers went on and on. I had some of the loftiest ambitions you ever heard of. Of course not everything I mapped out for my life would have gone to plan. But I didn't care. My answers were extensive. I wanted this and that and this and that. I was going to accomplish every single goal I had and I was going to impress the hell out of everyone.

When I was in college and high school I was never busy enough. I took on every responsibility I could. I was never not working a show, or working a part time job, or signing up for five courses only two of which I probably needed to take. If there was a leadership position to be had I went for it. If the teacher I needed to impress needed a volunteer there I was. It didn't matter what was on my plate. I piled on.

Now I'm not saying I was always successful at everything I did. Most of the time I was lucky to meet a deadline and no I did not pass every single class I took. Usually I took on way too much. I didn't know how to be honest with myself about what I could and couldn't handle. It was hard for me to ever say "No I can't." It just wasn't in me.

These days I have the opposite problem.

I want to be a writer. I know this to be true. But I don't make it a priority. It's way too easy for me to say "But I should really get this or that done." This blog entry I'm writing right now is the most I've written in one sitting all year. Maybe longer than that.

I'm scared. Terrified. I'm scared I'll get part way through writing a story, decide I don't like what I have, and give up. I'm scared nothing will be good enough. I'm simply scared to start.

I've been talking a lot about going to school. First for library science. Then for teaching. But the truth is I don't want to be a librarian or a teacher. Not that those aren't great jobs. It's just not what I want.

And I'm scared that even if I do get myself in gear and start writing it's still a long and uncertain path. And I'm impatient with how little of an adult I actually feel like. I want to be self sufficient. And I so am not.

And no matter how I look at it taking time to write feels selfish. Because it's going to be a long long time (if ever) before I'm paid to write. So it's taking time out of the day just for me that has no guarantee of going anywhere. And I know that everyone in my life will say "It's not selfish. Go and write." But they aren't in my head. I am.

The person I was six years ago had a lot of ideas about how her professional life would go. And while there were a lot unrealistic and naive expectations I want that fearlessness back. I want that crazy ambitious drive back. These days I could not tell you how many hours are spent on Netflix, scrolling through Facebook, playing video games, etc. So much wasted time.

I want to be busy. Busy with things that will propel me forward. I want my plate to be full again. Full of the kind of things that I can look back on at the end of the day and feel like I'm really working towards something. I want to stop stopping myself.

I don't just want to be a writer. I want to have the right to call myself a writer.

So in the spirit of my six year old college assignment here are some goals;

1) Tomorrow I will write again.

2) And the next day.

3) And the next day.

4) If 1-3 prove to be true I will add more goals.

Thanks for reading.
-Jen