I do NOT like my job.
It's not even that there are some bad days mixed in with good days. It's that there are terrible no good days mixed in with I guess I can get through this days.
One question I am constantly asked is "Are you getting your teaching credential?" Sometimes I will say "Not right now," or "Not yet." The real answer is "Not EVER!" But that's not something I love to say, especially to teachers, who are usually the ones asking.
Even though I have been told multiple times that being a regular teacher is far better than being a substitute (and I believe that) the truth is I just don't have the desire to be a teacher. I never have. It's just not my calling.
And then there is the library. At best my job there is boring and at worst it usually involves phone calls to the sheriff's station to come take care of a patron who is either drugged out, loud, violent or all three. Not my calling either.
So then what am I doing with my life? I've been applying to jobs I find on Edjoin (primarily office type positions, some library ones) not because I really want the jobs but I would like to have one full time job (which at 29 years old I have never had) as opposed to working two part time jobs (one of which I have to commute to).
What do I actually want to be doing? Writing of course. And I would like to go back to school for it. There is a lot of debate about whether it's worth it to go to school for writing since yes you can just do it on your own at home. But I feel like I would really benefit from instruction from professors with experience in the field and actual English degrees.
Then why not just shut up and do it already? MONEY! And a whole lot of guilt. Right now I'm somewhere in the ballpark of $50,000 in student loan debt. I will be paying that off for a very, VERY long time. This debt is part of why I am subbing. Subbing actually requires a bachelor's degree so I am at least putting my degree some what to use. And it pays fairly well. And grad school is looking like another good 30-40K.
I am terrified that I'll put myself in even more debt for nothing. I know it could lead to other jobs besides getting my own work published. But that opens up a whole other conversation about what to do with this very expensive degree. And aside from getting my own work published I wouldn't know what to say I want from it. I have looked into starting out slow like taking some classes at RCC. I still need to finish financial paper work and actually talk to someone down there about the likelihood of getting into the classes I want.
Right now I am looking at a solid 10 WEEKS of no subbing!!! Money wise that is a bummer but in every other conceivable way that is great news. I am going to see how much writing I can actually get out of myself. Maybe actually make real progress on that book I keep promising myself I will write. And hopefully have some real work that could at least theoretically be used as writing samples for grad school applications.
On a side note, an old friend of mine has been traveling a lot. To me it seems non stop. She is constantly posting about the new and exciting places she has been. But then the other day she posted how she feels like she missed some crucial life lessons in other areas of her life. How she feels like she is miles behind friends around her in where she ought to be in life. And I'm constantly feeling like I missed some crucial steps, professionally at least. It's weird that someone you might feel jealous of could in fact be jealous of you.
So it's good to remember that even though some areas of my life might not be going exactly as I would want, other areas are pretty fantastic. And I constantly, CONSTANTLY need to remind myself not to compare my success with the success of others. And not to let anyone's opinion (even people I know in real life and not just on Facebook) make me feel like it's a bad thing to go after what I want.
And so summer writing here we go...see you on the other side.
No comments:
Post a Comment