Writing for Dummies

You can't call yourself a writer if you don't write.

I was cleaning up my room at my parents house a couple of weeks ago. I came across an old class folder from UCI. It was a folder for a class called How to Succeed in Show Business. At least I think that was the title. Something along those lines. But it wasn't just for people who wanted to go into show business. It was basically a "you're almost out of college here are some things you should know and do to be successful" kind of class. You get me?

I went through the folder. We had been given an assignment where we were basically given a bunch of questions about our life goals and ambitions. We answered where we expected to be in three, five and ten years. FYI it's been over six years since the class. And yes a lot of my expectations have definitely not come to pass. But that's okay. Dreams change. Goals get readjusted. What we wanted six years ago definitely may not be what we want today. That's not the point.

The point is I wrote. I mean my answers went on and on. I had some of the loftiest ambitions you ever heard of. Of course not everything I mapped out for my life would have gone to plan. But I didn't care. My answers were extensive. I wanted this and that and this and that. I was going to accomplish every single goal I had and I was going to impress the hell out of everyone.

When I was in college and high school I was never busy enough. I took on every responsibility I could. I was never not working a show, or working a part time job, or signing up for five courses only two of which I probably needed to take. If there was a leadership position to be had I went for it. If the teacher I needed to impress needed a volunteer there I was. It didn't matter what was on my plate. I piled on.

Now I'm not saying I was always successful at everything I did. Most of the time I was lucky to meet a deadline and no I did not pass every single class I took. Usually I took on way too much. I didn't know how to be honest with myself about what I could and couldn't handle. It was hard for me to ever say "No I can't." It just wasn't in me.

These days I have the opposite problem.

I want to be a writer. I know this to be true. But I don't make it a priority. It's way too easy for me to say "But I should really get this or that done." This blog entry I'm writing right now is the most I've written in one sitting all year. Maybe longer than that.

I'm scared. Terrified. I'm scared I'll get part way through writing a story, decide I don't like what I have, and give up. I'm scared nothing will be good enough. I'm simply scared to start.

I've been talking a lot about going to school. First for library science. Then for teaching. But the truth is I don't want to be a librarian or a teacher. Not that those aren't great jobs. It's just not what I want.

And I'm scared that even if I do get myself in gear and start writing it's still a long and uncertain path. And I'm impatient with how little of an adult I actually feel like. I want to be self sufficient. And I so am not.

And no matter how I look at it taking time to write feels selfish. Because it's going to be a long long time (if ever) before I'm paid to write. So it's taking time out of the day just for me that has no guarantee of going anywhere. And I know that everyone in my life will say "It's not selfish. Go and write." But they aren't in my head. I am.

The person I was six years ago had a lot of ideas about how her professional life would go. And while there were a lot unrealistic and naive expectations I want that fearlessness back. I want that crazy ambitious drive back. These days I could not tell you how many hours are spent on Netflix, scrolling through Facebook, playing video games, etc. So much wasted time.

I want to be busy. Busy with things that will propel me forward. I want my plate to be full again. Full of the kind of things that I can look back on at the end of the day and feel like I'm really working towards something. I want to stop stopping myself.

I don't just want to be a writer. I want to have the right to call myself a writer.

So in the spirit of my six year old college assignment here are some goals;

1) Tomorrow I will write again.

2) And the next day.

3) And the next day.

4) If 1-3 prove to be true I will add more goals.

Thanks for reading.
-Jen

A blustery day

It's been awhile...

It's been awhile since I've written in here. It's been awhile since I've written in general. I occasionally jot something down in my journal. But not much.

I reinstalled a calorie counter app I had. I've used this app on and off for the past five years. I would often record my current weight. For the first few years I gained a pound here and there but nothing extreme. Last year I gained twenty pounds.

I have yet to read a new book this year. I haven't even finished Harry Potter yet.

To say that I am disappointed in myself would be an under statement. I just don't know how to motivate myself.

Becoming a sub has been much more complicated than I thought. It's been over a month and I still haven't been board approved because...(insert long drawn out unfair story here)...I should be approved by the 3rd.

I need to feel motivated. I need to get myself in gear. I need free Star Bucks.

Tomorrow is a new day...

Marching On.

We are two months in to 2016. And I am...exhausted.

Getting into the why's and home come's isn't really what I want to be doing here. I'm just sort of checking in with myself.

I've been very good with the no alcohol. My goal was to wait until my birthday before I let myself have any and so far so good. Just one more month to go!

I've been pretty hot and cold about remembering to go for a walk every day. I started Daily Burn which is an online workout app that let's you stream work out videos to your TV. I like the videos and it seem like a good option for me. I just need to be a little more consistent.

I've been really bad about keeping up with my writing. I usually look back at my journal entries for the past month to sort of review how the month went. And I had barely any entries for February. I'm finding it harder and harder to stay positive and keep myself motivated.

But I have to remind myself that it's okay to falter a little. My biggest problem with keeping goals and resolutions is once I miss one goal or step I usually just throw in the towel. I need to be okay with not having a perfect streak or missing a small goal. So long as I don't give up on the big picture.

I'm really hoping that 2016 takes a turn for the better. And not just for myself. I know this year has already been a challenging one for multiple people I know. I feel like every where I turn someone I know is going through a hard time. I for one am ready for some positive change.

Daredevil: Season 1 Epsiode 3

In case you were wondering from my title I just watched the third episode from Daredevil season 1.

And I'm pissed.

To be honest I really had no desire to watch this show. I was kind of interested in watching Jessica Jones, Bradley and I heard that the shows were slightly connected, he was interested in watching both so here we are. Watching Daredevil.

I thought the first two episodes were okay. The show in general is a lot darker than I was expecting. Which personally I like. The television Marvel Universe isn't nearly as campy as the film Marvel Universe. There was a lot of set up and back story. Which is necessary when you are starting a story. Especially if there's a chance that some of your viewers might not be familiar with your source material! (More on this point later).

The third episode however I thought was much stronger. It started with a seemingly simple man coming into a bowling alley wanting to bowl a few frames and within two minutes this deceptively simple man ends up crushing another's man skull with a bowling ball. After this opener the rest of the story moved at a brisk pace, new and interesting characters and storylines were introduced and I spent more time watching the show than playing on my phone. And in this day and age that is a rave review.

Then came the ending scene of the episode and it ruined everything.

Side note -- I was complaining to Bradley while watching this episode that this show does what many television shows do. They constantly talk about this mysterious bad guy that all the other bad guys are working for. You know the type; a mass amount of wealth, connections in every possible entity that has a department to corrupt, and somehow knows everything about everyone who is anyone. And no one knows his name! Or at least they would rather die than say his name. It's like Voldemort everyone is convinced they'll be cursed if they say it. --End side note.

Back to that horrible ending scene. A beautiful mysterious woman with an accent in an art gallery walks up to a man in a suit who is staring at a painting. She blathers on about art and it's connection to the world or something ( I don't really remember what she said and frankly I don't think what she said will ever actually matter) and the man just stands there staring at the painting occasionally making a remark here and there. Now the woman speaks for a good minute or two and they make a point to not show the man's face until the end of the scene. Now because they are making such a fuss about revealing this man's face to the audience he is obviously someone important. So here I am watching the screen as this woman keeps talking waiting for the big reveal. Finally the woman says something she turns to the man obviously waiting for a response to whatever she just said and the camera reveals...

A big bald guy in a suit.

What the frack?!

Now of course Bradley is completely satisfied because obviously this guy is Kingpin.

I'm sorry who?!

Now if you are familiar with Marvel outside of television and movies then you possibly knew that as well. So that reveal might have worked for you. But let me tell you if are someone watching this show who didn't do the assigned reading to understand what the heck is happening that was one lame ending. And it was such a strong episode outside of that scene which really just made that scene suck even more.

In defense of the scene Bradley pointed out that by "introducing" Kingpin they were no longer doing the aforementioned Voldemort thing. Sure. We now know who the bad guy is. Or at least we can guess this apparently big deal bald guy must be the mysterious ultimate bad guy. Can we be sure? I guess we'll never know cause why would I keep watching a show that I'm not going to understand without reading the comics first?!

(I'm going to keep watching. I'm just really mad about that scene.)

But! I would like to say to those who make Marvel television: please understand that some of your viewers might not be familiar with all of your folklore. So just because you reveal a mysterious bald guy in a suit doesn't mean that it means anything to us. Also if you are going to reveal a character like that maybe choose a character more distinct than a bald guy in a suit.  

Three simple things

I'm trying three simple things.

1. Writing something everyday.

2. Going for a walk every day.

3. Only drinking alcohol at pre-planned special occasions.

My first goal for me is the most important. I've been thinking and planning to try and make something of myself as a writer. But I spend so much time planning on getting it done rather than actually doing it. I've written an hour a day for the past two days. I know that sounds like nothing and it basically is. But it's something. I wrote a page of a potential story today and I hated it. But they say beginning writers need to spend hours and hours of writing really bad stuff so they can hopefully get to some not quite as bad stuff. I just need to make it an ingrained habit. And I need to not be scared to take a chance on my own abilities.

My second goal is just to be more active. I think for the past two or three new years I've secretly had this goal in my head of completing a marathon. Now at this point in time I can barely speed walk a mile in fifteen minutes without getting extremely winded. So you know, baby steps. Now of course this is also tied into weight loss goals. But instead of focusing on "I want to weigh this much" goals I thought it would be better to have a task to complete like running a marathon. I really would like to. Now I'm a long way off from being ready so for now it's a walk a day.

My third goal is partly out of health reasons and partly because I think it becomes too easy to turn to alcohol when things aren't going well. Now I don't want to say I'm not going to drink at all this year because 1) my birthday rules and 2) I want to celebrate with others when the time is right. But I definitely want to cut back. Plus I've never heard how cutting back on alcohol can be bad for you.

So those are three simple goals I've given to myself. And I just felt like sharing :)

Always

Next month I am running a Harry Potter book night at my library. My manager asked me if I could advertise by putting a display up. I told her I could and my plan was to use our display case and turn it into a potions cupboard. I had all kinds of ideas. I had a list of materials to gather. Yesterday was my day off. I had specifically set it aside to put it all together so when I went in to work today it would be all ready to go. 

Then when I woke up yesterday morning the first thing that happened was I found out about Alan Rickman. 

I know that Alan Rickman was so much more than Severus Snape. He had done film, television and theatre. He had several other roles in film that people immediately recognized him for. 

But for me I was first introduced to Alan Rickman in a potions classroom in November 2001. 

For anyone who grew up reading the Harry Potter books a constant source of debate was the true nature of Severus Snape. Was he truly good or truly bad? 

Now while yes this debate was rooted in the books it was also a great presence in the films. While you watched the films you either hated Snape or you loved him. And which ever way you felt Alan Rickman clearly had done his job. It wasn't whether he made the characters' intentions plain that mattered. But that he made us feel something. 

It seems silly to be genuinely sad when a celebrity dies. I didn't know him. But in a strange way I felt like I did. For a decade he portrayed one my favorite characters in my favorite book. Every time I read the series he is who I picture as Severus Snape. 

I did put the display up today. I think I need to add more to it but I'm pretty proud of what I have so far. 

I think I will be dressing up as Severus Snape at the event. It just seems right. And I think just about everyone in the world beat me to all the poignant quotes either from Severus Snape or Alan Rickman himself. So I refer to my title. Thank you Alan Rickman. Always. 

2016

Tomorrow is New Years Eve.

This by far is my favorite holiday. As cheesy as it sounds I love the idea of starting over on a clean slate. The way I see it is 2016 is a brand new set of time that I haven't wasted yet. I don't have any regrets for 2016 yet. To me the New Year is the potential for good.

Obviously I know that it's not going to be perfect. There will be days I won't feel like I've accomplished anything. I will inevitably make choices I will later regret. And even if my routine is going well and my goals are on track life is unpredictable. You never know what challenges you will have to face or what circumstances are going to be thrown your way.

Still I can't help but feel optimistic. Starting a new year, a new planner, new goals, new journals...it all makes me feel hopeful for positive change. I feel like 2016 will be a good year.

Yes I have goals. I don't think I want to list them out here though. Some are obvious. Some are silly. Some are private. I know that given the sheer volume of goals I have I probably won't meet all of them. But I'm hoping I meet at least a few of them.

Looking back at my goals I made for 2015 I did meet a couple simple ones. Hopefully I'll do even better this year.

Happy New Year everyone! Here's hoping it's a great one!