Today is the 80 day count down to my 30th birthday.
Which means I have 80 days to keep my promise to myself.
In 80 days my rough draft for my first book will be complete.
In terms of numbers (because that's what I live by) that is roughly 4.375 pages a day (Assuming a 350 page book).
Totally doable.
I have made this promise to myself year after year. Excuse after excuse, self doubt after crippling self doubt.
Obviously, I could write it after I turn 30. And I will be writing after I turn 30. But for me in, in my mind, it's a now or never kind of thing.
When I turned 29 I made a huge list of things I wanted to accomplish before I turned 30. I have even accomplished some of them. But none of them matter. Not like this one thing that I've always wanted to do.
80 days, Jen. And Go!
Tuesday, January 15, 2019
Thursday, December 13, 2018
Last day of school! Last day of school!
And the semester is over.
Overall, I'm glad I took classes this semester. I did well. My grades aren't final but I believe I got A's in both classes. The creative writing class was great. It got me to actually do a little bit of writing for once, instead of just talking about it. I discovered I'm pretty good at writing dialogue and pretty hopeless as far as correct grammar is concerned. Who actually knows when to use commas, hyphens and all those stupid things anyways?
My Women in Literature class was...interesting. Some days I really enjoyed it. Talking to a group of mostly women about women and the state of the world felt good. And I read some material I probably never would have. I finally cracked down and read The Handmaid's Tale. But it was a shit ton of work. And more stressful than I had been hoping for.
I will not be taking any classes next semester. There really aren't any being offered that I'm too interested in. And frankly the creative writing class was the only one that got me to do the kind of writing I want to do. Which was the point of going. That and building up my transcripts if I ever decide to apply to grad school.
So for now I will work and try and get some writing done. I got the 30 hour position at the library and I officially resigned as a substitute teacher. Which feels insanely good. If you can handle it, it's not a bad part-time job. But after two and half years of constant anxiety I'd had enough. Now I spend my time creating new ways to entertain teenagers. But only for two hours a week.
And today, while I was bored at work, with no homework looming over me, I wrote a couple of pages. If I just did that. Every day. Just a couple of pages every day. I'd be so much farther along. So that's my hope. Just a couple of pages a day and see how far I get.
Overall, I'm glad I took classes this semester. I did well. My grades aren't final but I believe I got A's in both classes. The creative writing class was great. It got me to actually do a little bit of writing for once, instead of just talking about it. I discovered I'm pretty good at writing dialogue and pretty hopeless as far as correct grammar is concerned. Who actually knows when to use commas, hyphens and all those stupid things anyways?
My Women in Literature class was...interesting. Some days I really enjoyed it. Talking to a group of mostly women about women and the state of the world felt good. And I read some material I probably never would have. I finally cracked down and read The Handmaid's Tale. But it was a shit ton of work. And more stressful than I had been hoping for.
I will not be taking any classes next semester. There really aren't any being offered that I'm too interested in. And frankly the creative writing class was the only one that got me to do the kind of writing I want to do. Which was the point of going. That and building up my transcripts if I ever decide to apply to grad school.
So for now I will work and try and get some writing done. I got the 30 hour position at the library and I officially resigned as a substitute teacher. Which feels insanely good. If you can handle it, it's not a bad part-time job. But after two and half years of constant anxiety I'd had enough. Now I spend my time creating new ways to entertain teenagers. But only for two hours a week.
And today, while I was bored at work, with no homework looming over me, I wrote a couple of pages. If I just did that. Every day. Just a couple of pages every day. I'd be so much farther along. So that's my hope. Just a couple of pages a day and see how far I get.
Friday, September 28, 2018
Real Talk
I am not subbing anymore!
This is a decision I made all of one hour ago. When I got into a classroom, took a look at the lesson plan and had a panic attack.
That's really embarrassing to admit. But I did. I took a look around the classroom and realized I wanted to be anywhere but there. I left so frazzled I left the sub folder and my water bottle in the classroom. And I got in my car all sweaty and panicky and of all days the AC breaks! And I'm sitting there trapped in my hot car in the school traffic just wanting to gun it at 90mph. Breathing to say the least was difficult.
I got home and called Brad in tears. I was so damn frustrated with myself. For one thing I knew I shouldn't have accepted the sub job. I wasn't going to. But the thought of money and the fact that I really didn't have anything going on today made me feel like I'd be being lazy not to. Not doing enough. And the inevitable and terrible habit of comparing myself to everyone else started. This person does this, this and this while dealing with all this and I can't do this.
I was screaming in my head "I can't do this!" "I can't do this!" But I was saying it like it's a bad thing. Because that's what we all do right? When we say we can't do something we say it like it's bad. Like it's bad of us for not being able to do it. But what if it's a good thing? What if by finally saying " I can't do it!" I'm actually finally letting myself off the hook for something that I, in actuality, don't have to be doing?
Scenario 1: I don't sub anymore.
Results: Life goes on
When I first started subbing I was optimistic about it. Mostly because of the money. The more I did it the more I hated it. As much as I hated it though I couldn't quit even after I got hired at the library again. Because if I quit then I would literally be doing nothing with my degree. The degree I spent thousands of dollars on. The degree that wasn't the right degree because I'm back in school.
Scenario 2: I don't have a job that requires my degree
Results: Life goes on.
It just always felt like I should be using my degree. Like I was doing something wrong if I wasn't. When the truth is, I just don't want to.
I'm in school again. I'm taking a creative writing class where all we do is actually write. A lot of it is nothing. Small little writing exercises. But I like it. I like going. I like actually doing some writing even if it's not at the epic novel stage yet. And I'm taking a women's lit class. Every time I leave that class I want to go kick all the Brett Kavanaugh's in the world, in the balls and spit on them.
I'm up for another promotion at the library. It would pretty much be the same job. It would be going from 20 to 30 hours a week, plus medical. And I would officially be put in charge of the program that I'm already kind of running. My interview is on Monday.
But honestly whether I get that promotion or not, I'm not subbing anymore.
Scenario 3: Cut out something in your life that makes you unhappy.
Results: Get happier.
That scenario sounds so simple. But do people actually do that? Do they actually look at their life, notice something that makes them unhappy, and decide to change it? A lot of the time it's not as simple as quitting a job, I know. Sometimes people can't afford to quit. And don't get me wrong, Brad and I aren't exactly sitting pretty, but...it won't kill us.
(Side gushy note. I love my husband. Like a lot. Like a lot a lot.)
So that's that I guess. I'm not subbing anymore. I'm going to school, I'm working at the library.
I can live with that :)
This is a decision I made all of one hour ago. When I got into a classroom, took a look at the lesson plan and had a panic attack.
That's really embarrassing to admit. But I did. I took a look around the classroom and realized I wanted to be anywhere but there. I left so frazzled I left the sub folder and my water bottle in the classroom. And I got in my car all sweaty and panicky and of all days the AC breaks! And I'm sitting there trapped in my hot car in the school traffic just wanting to gun it at 90mph. Breathing to say the least was difficult.
I got home and called Brad in tears. I was so damn frustrated with myself. For one thing I knew I shouldn't have accepted the sub job. I wasn't going to. But the thought of money and the fact that I really didn't have anything going on today made me feel like I'd be being lazy not to. Not doing enough. And the inevitable and terrible habit of comparing myself to everyone else started. This person does this, this and this while dealing with all this and I can't do this.
I was screaming in my head "I can't do this!" "I can't do this!" But I was saying it like it's a bad thing. Because that's what we all do right? When we say we can't do something we say it like it's bad. Like it's bad of us for not being able to do it. But what if it's a good thing? What if by finally saying " I can't do it!" I'm actually finally letting myself off the hook for something that I, in actuality, don't have to be doing?
Scenario 1: I don't sub anymore.
Results: Life goes on
When I first started subbing I was optimistic about it. Mostly because of the money. The more I did it the more I hated it. As much as I hated it though I couldn't quit even after I got hired at the library again. Because if I quit then I would literally be doing nothing with my degree. The degree I spent thousands of dollars on. The degree that wasn't the right degree because I'm back in school.
Scenario 2: I don't have a job that requires my degree
Results: Life goes on.
It just always felt like I should be using my degree. Like I was doing something wrong if I wasn't. When the truth is, I just don't want to.
I'm in school again. I'm taking a creative writing class where all we do is actually write. A lot of it is nothing. Small little writing exercises. But I like it. I like going. I like actually doing some writing even if it's not at the epic novel stage yet. And I'm taking a women's lit class. Every time I leave that class I want to go kick all the Brett Kavanaugh's in the world, in the balls and spit on them.
I'm up for another promotion at the library. It would pretty much be the same job. It would be going from 20 to 30 hours a week, plus medical. And I would officially be put in charge of the program that I'm already kind of running. My interview is on Monday.
But honestly whether I get that promotion or not, I'm not subbing anymore.
Scenario 3: Cut out something in your life that makes you unhappy.
Results: Get happier.
That scenario sounds so simple. But do people actually do that? Do they actually look at their life, notice something that makes them unhappy, and decide to change it? A lot of the time it's not as simple as quitting a job, I know. Sometimes people can't afford to quit. And don't get me wrong, Brad and I aren't exactly sitting pretty, but...it won't kill us.
(Side gushy note. I love my husband. Like a lot. Like a lot a lot.)
So that's that I guess. I'm not subbing anymore. I'm going to school, I'm working at the library.
I can live with that :)
Sunday, August 12, 2018
First Day of School! First Day of School!
School starts tomorrow!
I am so excited for school to start and actually be working towards something I actually want to be doing! I am taking four classes, three with MSJC and one with RCC and they are all writing classes. I have no idea what any of the teachers will be like and I have no idea what any of the classes will be like. But I'm EXCITED!
I also got a slight, slight promotion at the library. Not even a promotion really I just got four more hours per week. But it does also come with some paid vacation and paid holidays. So that's pretty cool. And I will be running the teen reading program.
But did I mention school starts tomorrow?! I got a backpack and a binder and pencils and paper and a pencil pouch and everything is purple and I love back to school shopping!
For the past two years going to school has meant going to work and absolutely dreading it. It's nice to actually be looking forward to going.
“Develop a passion for learning. If you do, you will never cease to grow.”– Anthony J. D'Angelo
“What we learn with pleasure we never forget.”– Alfred Mercier
“Learning starts with failure; the first failure is the beginning of education.”– John Hersey
I am so excited for school to start and actually be working towards something I actually want to be doing! I am taking four classes, three with MSJC and one with RCC and they are all writing classes. I have no idea what any of the teachers will be like and I have no idea what any of the classes will be like. But I'm EXCITED!
I also got a slight, slight promotion at the library. Not even a promotion really I just got four more hours per week. But it does also come with some paid vacation and paid holidays. So that's pretty cool. And I will be running the teen reading program.
But did I mention school starts tomorrow?! I got a backpack and a binder and pencils and paper and a pencil pouch and everything is purple and I love back to school shopping!
For the past two years going to school has meant going to work and absolutely dreading it. It's nice to actually be looking forward to going.
“Develop a passion for learning. If you do, you will never cease to grow.”– Anthony J. D'Angelo
“What we learn with pleasure we never forget.”– Alfred Mercier
“Learning starts with failure; the first failure is the beginning of education.”– John Hersey
Saturday, July 28, 2018
Negatively Positive
Usually when I don't post for awhile it's because I have nothing to post that I'm proud of.
I have lost track of how many times I have done this. Made myself all kinds of promises about getting things accomplished. Write the book. Read constantly. Lose the weight. Blah blah blah. I've heard it all before Jen.
And this summer I have written exactly nothing. Read less than half of what I promised myself. And gained weight. Way to go me!
On a slightly more positive note I am signing up for school this Fall. I am enrolled in both MSJC and RCC. I still have to wait to actually register for classes. Classes are filling up fast and I'm basically at the bottom of the priority list so I have no idea if any of the classes I want will actually be available. Just proving that I met the prerequisites for the classes was a monster headache.
I'm looking at creative writing classes and literature classes. Hopefully I will do well in them, maybe befriend a professor or two well enough to get some good recommendation letters. And then FINALLY bite the bullet and apply to grad school. That's the idea anyway.
But if all goes well my Fall priorities will be...
1) School
2) Writing and reading
3) Getting healthy
4) Work at the library
.
.
.
.
5) Work as a substitute
Alright, let's do these last five months of 2018 right!
I have lost track of how many times I have done this. Made myself all kinds of promises about getting things accomplished. Write the book. Read constantly. Lose the weight. Blah blah blah. I've heard it all before Jen.
And this summer I have written exactly nothing. Read less than half of what I promised myself. And gained weight. Way to go me!
On a slightly more positive note I am signing up for school this Fall. I am enrolled in both MSJC and RCC. I still have to wait to actually register for classes. Classes are filling up fast and I'm basically at the bottom of the priority list so I have no idea if any of the classes I want will actually be available. Just proving that I met the prerequisites for the classes was a monster headache.
I'm looking at creative writing classes and literature classes. Hopefully I will do well in them, maybe befriend a professor or two well enough to get some good recommendation letters. And then FINALLY bite the bullet and apply to grad school. That's the idea anyway.
But if all goes well my Fall priorities will be...
1) School
2) Writing and reading
3) Getting healthy
4) Work at the library
.
.
.
.
5) Work as a substitute
Alright, let's do these last five months of 2018 right!
Saturday, June 9, 2018
30Before30 Progress
I'm two months into my 29th year and I have two things marked off on my 30Before30. Not a huge number but it felt EXTREMELY good to cross a couple things off. It is really weird how strangely satisfying checking something off on a list can feel. I'm sure there are books in psychology all about it.
Sometimes I have days, particularly when I'm at work, when I think I'm gonna do this and this and this when I get home. And of course I get nothing done. And then I think I'll do those things on my days off which more often then I would like to admit never happens. It's embarrassing how hard it can be to get past my own laziness.
BUT you have to celebrate the little victories! :)
Sometimes I have days, particularly when I'm at work, when I think I'm gonna do this and this and this when I get home. And of course I get nothing done. And then I think I'll do those things on my days off which more often then I would like to admit never happens. It's embarrassing how hard it can be to get past my own laziness.
BUT you have to celebrate the little victories! :)
Thursday, May 31, 2018
Summer, What Took You So Long?
I do NOT like my job.
It's not even that there are some bad days mixed in with good days. It's that there are terrible no good days mixed in with I guess I can get through this days.
One question I am constantly asked is "Are you getting your teaching credential?" Sometimes I will say "Not right now," or "Not yet." The real answer is "Not EVER!" But that's not something I love to say, especially to teachers, who are usually the ones asking.
Even though I have been told multiple times that being a regular teacher is far better than being a substitute (and I believe that) the truth is I just don't have the desire to be a teacher. I never have. It's just not my calling.
And then there is the library. At best my job there is boring and at worst it usually involves phone calls to the sheriff's station to come take care of a patron who is either drugged out, loud, violent or all three. Not my calling either.
So then what am I doing with my life? I've been applying to jobs I find on Edjoin (primarily office type positions, some library ones) not because I really want the jobs but I would like to have one full time job (which at 29 years old I have never had) as opposed to working two part time jobs (one of which I have to commute to).
What do I actually want to be doing? Writing of course. And I would like to go back to school for it. There is a lot of debate about whether it's worth it to go to school for writing since yes you can just do it on your own at home. But I feel like I would really benefit from instruction from professors with experience in the field and actual English degrees.
Then why not just shut up and do it already? MONEY! And a whole lot of guilt. Right now I'm somewhere in the ballpark of $50,000 in student loan debt. I will be paying that off for a very, VERY long time. This debt is part of why I am subbing. Subbing actually requires a bachelor's degree so I am at least putting my degree some what to use. And it pays fairly well. And grad school is looking like another good 30-40K.
I am terrified that I'll put myself in even more debt for nothing. I know it could lead to other jobs besides getting my own work published. But that opens up a whole other conversation about what to do with this very expensive degree. And aside from getting my own work published I wouldn't know what to say I want from it. I have looked into starting out slow like taking some classes at RCC. I still need to finish financial paper work and actually talk to someone down there about the likelihood of getting into the classes I want.
Right now I am looking at a solid 10 WEEKS of no subbing!!! Money wise that is a bummer but in every other conceivable way that is great news. I am going to see how much writing I can actually get out of myself. Maybe actually make real progress on that book I keep promising myself I will write. And hopefully have some real work that could at least theoretically be used as writing samples for grad school applications.
On a side note, an old friend of mine has been traveling a lot. To me it seems non stop. She is constantly posting about the new and exciting places she has been. But then the other day she posted how she feels like she missed some crucial life lessons in other areas of her life. How she feels like she is miles behind friends around her in where she ought to be in life. And I'm constantly feeling like I missed some crucial steps, professionally at least. It's weird that someone you might feel jealous of could in fact be jealous of you.
So it's good to remember that even though some areas of my life might not be going exactly as I would want, other areas are pretty fantastic. And I constantly, CONSTANTLY need to remind myself not to compare my success with the success of others. And not to let anyone's opinion (even people I know in real life and not just on Facebook) make me feel like it's a bad thing to go after what I want.
And so summer writing here we go...see you on the other side.
It's not even that there are some bad days mixed in with good days. It's that there are terrible no good days mixed in with I guess I can get through this days.
One question I am constantly asked is "Are you getting your teaching credential?" Sometimes I will say "Not right now," or "Not yet." The real answer is "Not EVER!" But that's not something I love to say, especially to teachers, who are usually the ones asking.
Even though I have been told multiple times that being a regular teacher is far better than being a substitute (and I believe that) the truth is I just don't have the desire to be a teacher. I never have. It's just not my calling.
And then there is the library. At best my job there is boring and at worst it usually involves phone calls to the sheriff's station to come take care of a patron who is either drugged out, loud, violent or all three. Not my calling either.
So then what am I doing with my life? I've been applying to jobs I find on Edjoin (primarily office type positions, some library ones) not because I really want the jobs but I would like to have one full time job (which at 29 years old I have never had) as opposed to working two part time jobs (one of which I have to commute to).
What do I actually want to be doing? Writing of course. And I would like to go back to school for it. There is a lot of debate about whether it's worth it to go to school for writing since yes you can just do it on your own at home. But I feel like I would really benefit from instruction from professors with experience in the field and actual English degrees.
Then why not just shut up and do it already? MONEY! And a whole lot of guilt. Right now I'm somewhere in the ballpark of $50,000 in student loan debt. I will be paying that off for a very, VERY long time. This debt is part of why I am subbing. Subbing actually requires a bachelor's degree so I am at least putting my degree some what to use. And it pays fairly well. And grad school is looking like another good 30-40K.
I am terrified that I'll put myself in even more debt for nothing. I know it could lead to other jobs besides getting my own work published. But that opens up a whole other conversation about what to do with this very expensive degree. And aside from getting my own work published I wouldn't know what to say I want from it. I have looked into starting out slow like taking some classes at RCC. I still need to finish financial paper work and actually talk to someone down there about the likelihood of getting into the classes I want.
Right now I am looking at a solid 10 WEEKS of no subbing!!! Money wise that is a bummer but in every other conceivable way that is great news. I am going to see how much writing I can actually get out of myself. Maybe actually make real progress on that book I keep promising myself I will write. And hopefully have some real work that could at least theoretically be used as writing samples for grad school applications.
On a side note, an old friend of mine has been traveling a lot. To me it seems non stop. She is constantly posting about the new and exciting places she has been. But then the other day she posted how she feels like she missed some crucial life lessons in other areas of her life. How she feels like she is miles behind friends around her in where she ought to be in life. And I'm constantly feeling like I missed some crucial steps, professionally at least. It's weird that someone you might feel jealous of could in fact be jealous of you.
So it's good to remember that even though some areas of my life might not be going exactly as I would want, other areas are pretty fantastic. And I constantly, CONSTANTLY need to remind myself not to compare my success with the success of others. And not to let anyone's opinion (even people I know in real life and not just on Facebook) make me feel like it's a bad thing to go after what I want.
And so summer writing here we go...see you on the other side.
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