It has been a month since I've written.
Now I know this is a big oops. Like I have no excuse. I mean yes I got engaged(!) this month. And yes I have jumped right into wedding planning mode. I mean I already have my dress for crying out loud.
But I shouldn't have let my writing take the sidelines for so long. I had all these ambitious plans for November. It's NaNo writing month after all. But it didn't happen.
That's okay though. Today is December 3rd and I can still get plenty of writing done before the end of the year. Now there is the danger of finding myself distracted by every holiday thing, not to mention more wedding planning and my general self sabotaging habits.
But I'm still going. I'm still aiming high. My goal was to have a rough draft of my book by the end of the year. Now skipping a whole month of writing is definitely a set back. But I don't want that set back to lead to another one. My goal is the same. I just need to work extra hard to get to it. And I never had any intention of having a perfectly polished story by the end of the year. I'm prepared for it to be total crap.
It just needs to be finished total crap.
Saturday, December 3, 2016
Monday, October 24, 2016
11,000
I have just passed 11,000 words.
It's a lot of crap. I keep changing my mind about things as I am writing. Half my sentences probably don't work. My narrative voice keeps changing. It's lots and lots of crap.
But the point is it's lots.
I'm not sure that I have ever gotten this far in a story before. And I can already tell there will be several rewrites before I'm anywhere near ready to let someone else give me feedback.
But I'm getting it down. The bare bones of a story is getting put to paper. And it is very possible I won't like it at all. And I can already imagine some of the rewrites. But I'm not going to stop and go back and second guess. I'm gonna get it down.
I wish it rained in Southern California more often. It may be one of the biggest cliches ever but raining is perfect writing weather.
I can almost pretend it's six years ago, and I'm in the Star bucks on Great Russel Street, less than a minute walk from the British Museum.
Almost.
It's a lot of crap. I keep changing my mind about things as I am writing. Half my sentences probably don't work. My narrative voice keeps changing. It's lots and lots of crap.
But the point is it's lots.
I'm not sure that I have ever gotten this far in a story before. And I can already tell there will be several rewrites before I'm anywhere near ready to let someone else give me feedback.
But I'm getting it down. The bare bones of a story is getting put to paper. And it is very possible I won't like it at all. And I can already imagine some of the rewrites. But I'm not going to stop and go back and second guess. I'm gonna get it down.
I wish it rained in Southern California more often. It may be one of the biggest cliches ever but raining is perfect writing weather.
I can almost pretend it's six years ago, and I'm in the Star bucks on Great Russel Street, less than a minute walk from the British Museum.
Almost.
Sunday, October 16, 2016
An Update
I wrote a thousand words a day for six days.
That wasn't bad.
It has now been a week since I've written anything.
That's bad.
But that is reality. And all I can do is push forward. Put this lazy week behind me and get back at it. Keep ignoring the lazy impulses. And tell myself things like "Just because you don't have time to write 1000 words this second at least write something."
It's making it a continuous daily habit that I struggle with. Making sure I do it even if my day sucked, or I have a bunch of errands to run, or I'm going out of town, or the TV is calling.
Here's the thing: I don't like my job. I don't. In fact I stress out every morning because I almost never know what my day will be like until I get there. So on the one hand I should be even more inspired to make my writing happen.
On the other hand I've been down this road before. I put all my eggs in one basket thinking this is it this is what I want to do. And I was very wrong.
So in other words: self doubt, fear of failing, second guessing every thought. Even I want to tell myself to shut up.
That wasn't bad.
It has now been a week since I've written anything.
That's bad.
But that is reality. And all I can do is push forward. Put this lazy week behind me and get back at it. Keep ignoring the lazy impulses. And tell myself things like "Just because you don't have time to write 1000 words this second at least write something."
It's making it a continuous daily habit that I struggle with. Making sure I do it even if my day sucked, or I have a bunch of errands to run, or I'm going out of town, or the TV is calling.
Here's the thing: I don't like my job. I don't. In fact I stress out every morning because I almost never know what my day will be like until I get there. So on the one hand I should be even more inspired to make my writing happen.
On the other hand I've been down this road before. I put all my eggs in one basket thinking this is it this is what I want to do. And I was very wrong.
So in other words: self doubt, fear of failing, second guessing every thought. Even I want to tell myself to shut up.
Monday, October 3, 2016
Let the Actual Writing Begin.
And Day 1 is check
As in today I wrote 1,000 words. Actually I wrote over 1,200 words. But the point is I wrote. 1,000 words. With my end game for this calendar year being a rough draft of a book 1,000 words a day is my goal attaining method.
I don't really have much else to say. Except that I am hopeful to keep saying I have written 1,000 words a day. Goals are so easy to come up with and such pains in the ass to stick with.
Also, on a personal side note, thank you to all who read my last blog post. It was not a story I ever imagined sharing and I really appreciate all the positive feedback.
So like I said Day 1 is check. We'll see how Day 2 goes.
As in today I wrote 1,000 words. Actually I wrote over 1,200 words. But the point is I wrote. 1,000 words. With my end game for this calendar year being a rough draft of a book 1,000 words a day is my goal attaining method.
I don't really have much else to say. Except that I am hopeful to keep saying I have written 1,000 words a day. Goals are so easy to come up with and such pains in the ass to stick with.
Also, on a personal side note, thank you to all who read my last blog post. It was not a story I ever imagined sharing and I really appreciate all the positive feedback.
So like I said Day 1 is check. We'll see how Day 2 goes.
Monday, September 12, 2016
Much Ado About Nothing
I haven't written a damn thing.
Sometimes I think about all the people who are on Facebook that could potentially be reading this and I hold back my honesty. But what is the point? What is the point in telling half truths or glossing things over or worrying what some people may think? Especially since I really have no idea who actually reads this.
I quit my job at the Valle Vista Library. And not because I suddenly found my calling as a substitute teacher. But because of the money. That's right I made a life decision based on the all mighty dollar. And that's not even the thing that's bothering me. I'm bothered by the fact that I truly believe I'm not good at it.
My lack of self confidence has been growing exponentially since my last year in college. You see, when I came back from London, I was ready. Ready to take on the world. I signed up for way too many classes, gave myself an impossible work load and made arrangements to be stage managing shows in both my last two quarters at UCI. I was full steam ahead and nothing could stop me. Only absolutely everything did.
I stage managed a show in my last quarter at UCI. And I did badly. I'm not trying to be self deprecating when I say that. I just didn't do a very good job. For one thing I was taking on a responsibility that I was not ready for. I hadn't even been an assistant stage manager yet. But my greedy ambition didn't care. I also was not making it my priority. All I ever thought about was going back to London or escaping Irvine to be home with Bradley and my friends. I just didn't care enough. And I do truly feel bad about it. I still don't think I was the best person for the job but I know I could have done better.
And the director basically called me on it. And looking back I actually appreciate how she handled it. At the time I didn't. But having a stage manager that clearly is not handling the job well had to have been frustrating. I didn't know what I was doing and I was always looking for an excuse as to why something wasn't going the right way that didn't make it my fault. And sometimes it wasn't. But either way it was not my best effort.
Now I can't over emphasize how much this experience shook me. Suddenly I was sure that I was not going to be a stage manager. And for the past three out of four years at college that was what I had been planning on. I was going to be a stage manager. And then suddenly I wasn't. I was adrift. I was scared, I was depressed I was angry at everyone and everything. And then I screwed everything up.
I had two GE courses left to graduate. That's it. Just two. And in this very angry, depressing, I don't give a shit about anything last quarter of college...I failed. I failed those last two GE courses. I did not graduate from UCI in 2011 like everyone thought I had. I had failed on a monumental scale.
Now I was able to go through with the graduation ceremony because if it is possible to graduate in the summer quarter, which it was, then you are still allowed to walk. So I did. I walked thinking vaguely of signing up for summer quarter. And after it was too late for that I thought of signing up for Fall quarter. And after it was too late for that I thought of signing up at MSJC and just taking the credits there. Excuse after excuse year after year. I spent all of 2012 being unemployed and out of school and...I don't even remember what I did.
***By the way hardly anybody actually knew about this. I kept this secret from pretty much everyone for the past five years. So Mom if you are reading this...Sorry!***
In March of 2013 I finally did get a job. I started working as a cashier at the Sizzler in Banning. And when I started to really not like that job I got my job at the library in March of 2014. And when the money wasn't getting me anywhere I finally said enough was enough. I signed up for MSJC in the Fall of 2015. I took my last two classes I needed. I finally graduated college. In March of 2016 I was hired as a substitute teacher.
Now I don't think I'm doing that badly as a substitute teacher. I'm not the greatest. I know I need to learn how to best control a class room. But I don't think I'm the worst at it. But I got a bad review on one particular job. And I know the mature adult thing to do is take the criticism for what it is, shake it off, and just focus on doing well in future jobs. But as you may have gleamed from the above story I don't handle criticism all that well.
But here is the thing. I don't have any great big dreams to become a teacher. It's not what I want to do. I want to be a writer. But I feel like I'm always writing about nothing. I thought maybe for once I should write something real. Let myself be vulnerable and just say something honest. I'm scared to post this. But I'm more scared to fail again.
There are some days when I get to the end of the day and I just think "What did I do today that was worth anything?" And it's a constant thing. It's a constant struggle I have with myself. I am my own worst enemy. And today despite finally having my degree and making more money than I personally ever have before I still don't particularly like who I see in the mirror. And that's my own issue that I need to sort out. And I know I'm not alone in feeling this way.
And I would just like to say thank you to those who have helped me and supported me (both emotionally and financially) through out my life and especially these last five years. I truly don't know what I would have done without such people as including but not limited to my parents, Bradley, Bradley's parents, my entire family, Bradley's entire family, Danny, Megan, Double J, Jolene, Anthony, Lewis, et al *Please forgive me if I didn't include your name. There's a lot of good people in my life*.
But back to my introductory sentence. I haven't written a damn thing. As far as my book is concerned. Which means I have lost a week and a half. That's okay though. A bad start does not necessarily have to lead to a bad finish.
This post got a lot more honest and confessional than I had planned. But I think that's a good thing. And I hope this didn't make too many people angry. *Again, sorry Mom*. But if I can't write honestly then I don't think I am going to get very far. I want to start believing in myself again. And I have to do that before I can ask anyone else to.
Thank you for reading. I truly do appreciate it.
Sometimes I think about all the people who are on Facebook that could potentially be reading this and I hold back my honesty. But what is the point? What is the point in telling half truths or glossing things over or worrying what some people may think? Especially since I really have no idea who actually reads this.
I quit my job at the Valle Vista Library. And not because I suddenly found my calling as a substitute teacher. But because of the money. That's right I made a life decision based on the all mighty dollar. And that's not even the thing that's bothering me. I'm bothered by the fact that I truly believe I'm not good at it.
My lack of self confidence has been growing exponentially since my last year in college. You see, when I came back from London, I was ready. Ready to take on the world. I signed up for way too many classes, gave myself an impossible work load and made arrangements to be stage managing shows in both my last two quarters at UCI. I was full steam ahead and nothing could stop me. Only absolutely everything did.
I stage managed a show in my last quarter at UCI. And I did badly. I'm not trying to be self deprecating when I say that. I just didn't do a very good job. For one thing I was taking on a responsibility that I was not ready for. I hadn't even been an assistant stage manager yet. But my greedy ambition didn't care. I also was not making it my priority. All I ever thought about was going back to London or escaping Irvine to be home with Bradley and my friends. I just didn't care enough. And I do truly feel bad about it. I still don't think I was the best person for the job but I know I could have done better.
And the director basically called me on it. And looking back I actually appreciate how she handled it. At the time I didn't. But having a stage manager that clearly is not handling the job well had to have been frustrating. I didn't know what I was doing and I was always looking for an excuse as to why something wasn't going the right way that didn't make it my fault. And sometimes it wasn't. But either way it was not my best effort.
Now I can't over emphasize how much this experience shook me. Suddenly I was sure that I was not going to be a stage manager. And for the past three out of four years at college that was what I had been planning on. I was going to be a stage manager. And then suddenly I wasn't. I was adrift. I was scared, I was depressed I was angry at everyone and everything. And then I screwed everything up.
I had two GE courses left to graduate. That's it. Just two. And in this very angry, depressing, I don't give a shit about anything last quarter of college...I failed. I failed those last two GE courses. I did not graduate from UCI in 2011 like everyone thought I had. I had failed on a monumental scale.
Now I was able to go through with the graduation ceremony because if it is possible to graduate in the summer quarter, which it was, then you are still allowed to walk. So I did. I walked thinking vaguely of signing up for summer quarter. And after it was too late for that I thought of signing up for Fall quarter. And after it was too late for that I thought of signing up at MSJC and just taking the credits there. Excuse after excuse year after year. I spent all of 2012 being unemployed and out of school and...I don't even remember what I did.
***By the way hardly anybody actually knew about this. I kept this secret from pretty much everyone for the past five years. So Mom if you are reading this...Sorry!***
In March of 2013 I finally did get a job. I started working as a cashier at the Sizzler in Banning. And when I started to really not like that job I got my job at the library in March of 2014. And when the money wasn't getting me anywhere I finally said enough was enough. I signed up for MSJC in the Fall of 2015. I took my last two classes I needed. I finally graduated college. In March of 2016 I was hired as a substitute teacher.
Now I don't think I'm doing that badly as a substitute teacher. I'm not the greatest. I know I need to learn how to best control a class room. But I don't think I'm the worst at it. But I got a bad review on one particular job. And I know the mature adult thing to do is take the criticism for what it is, shake it off, and just focus on doing well in future jobs. But as you may have gleamed from the above story I don't handle criticism all that well.
But here is the thing. I don't have any great big dreams to become a teacher. It's not what I want to do. I want to be a writer. But I feel like I'm always writing about nothing. I thought maybe for once I should write something real. Let myself be vulnerable and just say something honest. I'm scared to post this. But I'm more scared to fail again.
There are some days when I get to the end of the day and I just think "What did I do today that was worth anything?" And it's a constant thing. It's a constant struggle I have with myself. I am my own worst enemy. And today despite finally having my degree and making more money than I personally ever have before I still don't particularly like who I see in the mirror. And that's my own issue that I need to sort out. And I know I'm not alone in feeling this way.
And I would just like to say thank you to those who have helped me and supported me (both emotionally and financially) through out my life and especially these last five years. I truly don't know what I would have done without such people as including but not limited to my parents, Bradley, Bradley's parents, my entire family, Bradley's entire family, Danny, Megan, Double J, Jolene, Anthony, Lewis, et al *Please forgive me if I didn't include your name. There's a lot of good people in my life*.
But back to my introductory sentence. I haven't written a damn thing. As far as my book is concerned. Which means I have lost a week and a half. That's okay though. A bad start does not necessarily have to lead to a bad finish.
This post got a lot more honest and confessional than I had planned. But I think that's a good thing. And I hope this didn't make too many people angry. *Again, sorry Mom*. But if I can't write honestly then I don't think I am going to get very far. I want to start believing in myself again. And I have to do that before I can ask anyone else to.
Thank you for reading. I truly do appreciate it.
Monday, September 5, 2016
Fantasia
No I have not forgotten about this writing project. And I'm not giving up on it. I get into slumps in my writing. But that doesn't mean I just stop. So...
Walt Disney's Fantasia. Disney's third animated feature film. This film is filled with beautiful instrumental music, accompanied by wonderfully imaginative animation. It showcases such classic creatures as dinosaurs, the mighty Zeus and even Mickey Mouse himself. It even inspired Disney's long running and much beloved show Fantasmic! It is also one of the most boring films Disney has ever produced.
My apologies to those who disagree. If you revere Fantasia as a great Disney classic much beloved by you and your family since childhood I have no intentions to take that away. I'm not trying to convince anyone not to like this film. I just don't understand how anyone can.
Fantasia tells five different stories or "segments" through animation set to classical music. Now while the result may be beautiful to watch and to listen to it's not exactly thrilling. The last two films Disney released had songs you could sing along with, villains who could cackle and threaten and characters with names. The colorful personalities of the characters were key elements that drew the attention of young children. The fact that Fantasia has no dialogue makes me wonder how many kids actually sat through the whole two hours.
Not to mention the fact that in between the segments the audience is shown the orchestra and given an explanation of what is about to be shown to them. I can only assume this is for the adults. Because I can't imagine children were all that enthralled by long winded explanations filled with names of composers they had no idea who they were, all told in a monotone voice. Of course I could be wrong. I'm just guessing.
I saw Fantasia a long time ago. I'm not quite sure how old I was. The only story I really remembered was the sorcerer's apprentice. And I'm pretty sure that's what most people remember. Especially since parts of it are shown in Fantasmic! and the image of Mickey wearing the sorcerer's hat is used for many different adds and visual displays. Mickey Mouse is memorable. And certain images and various moments from the segments came back to me as I watched. And while I think I can better appreciate how beautiful the animation is I don't feel I was any more entertained as an adult than I was as a child.
I don't know maybe I'm just missing the appeal. Maybe it's a bit over my head. Maybe I saw it at the wrong time. Or I just don't have the attention span for it.
I will say I love Fantasmic! and am grateful for the inspiration the film provided.
But overall not one of my favorites.
My rating of the film: 4/10
Films in order of preference so far:
Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs
Pinocchio
Fantasia
Wednesday, August 24, 2016
Going Public
It will be done.
That's what I'm telling all of you. It will happen.
I. will. write.
I've always wanted to be a writer. But my motivation has been so lack luster. Over the past year or so I feel like I've gotten lazier and lazier. Excuse after excuse.
It's just so frustrating. I used to have more ambition and drive then I knew what to do with. There was never enough for me to be doing, always a job or project that I had to tackle. Now if I watch less than five hours of TV a day it's a miracle.
I started looking through articles and blogs about being motivated. And one piece of advice struck a chord with me. It suggested announcing your goal to friends and family. That going public with your goal adds a certain amount of pressure to be sure to get it done. No one wants to look bad publicly. So saying I am going to get something done aloud to other people adds a certain level of motivation to get it done.
Now I've done that before a couple of times and it hasn't always worked out. But I can live with my failures in the past. I've always been afraid of failing. But I've done it before. And I survived. The world didn't end. And here I am. Trying again.
So here is my goal: Have a rough draft of a book done by December 31st 2016 11:59PM.
Yes. I'm setting a deadline. Now this could be accomplished in many different ways. Writing a certain number of words a day. Writing a certain number of hours a day. So many chapters a week. Outlining the story and set dates to reach certain parts of the story. And I may try a couple of these strategies. I've tried some of them already.
But I have a goal. I plan on starting on Sept 1st. One because I like the idea of starting something at the beginning of a frame of time. Two it gives me some time to make a plan of attack. I'm also planning on writing in this blog about once week with a progress update.
That being said any words of inspiration and encouragement would be appreciated :)
It is a little humiliating knowing I've tried this kind of thing before. Many times in fact. And it hasn't ever worked out. I've had many doubts about my abilities. Constant unrealistic comparisons between myself and other people. Being bombarded with the best versions of other people thanks to social media. Not to mention we live in a world with Netflix! Who can get anything done?!
But I'm saying it is going to happen. New Year's Eve will have a rough draft done. And I'll be starting my New Year's Resolutions with thoughts of editing and publishing and writing new stories.
It. will. happen.
Let the countdown begin...
That's what I'm telling all of you. It will happen.
I. will. write.
I've always wanted to be a writer. But my motivation has been so lack luster. Over the past year or so I feel like I've gotten lazier and lazier. Excuse after excuse.
It's just so frustrating. I used to have more ambition and drive then I knew what to do with. There was never enough for me to be doing, always a job or project that I had to tackle. Now if I watch less than five hours of TV a day it's a miracle.
I started looking through articles and blogs about being motivated. And one piece of advice struck a chord with me. It suggested announcing your goal to friends and family. That going public with your goal adds a certain amount of pressure to be sure to get it done. No one wants to look bad publicly. So saying I am going to get something done aloud to other people adds a certain level of motivation to get it done.
Now I've done that before a couple of times and it hasn't always worked out. But I can live with my failures in the past. I've always been afraid of failing. But I've done it before. And I survived. The world didn't end. And here I am. Trying again.
So here is my goal: Have a rough draft of a book done by December 31st 2016 11:59PM.
Yes. I'm setting a deadline. Now this could be accomplished in many different ways. Writing a certain number of words a day. Writing a certain number of hours a day. So many chapters a week. Outlining the story and set dates to reach certain parts of the story. And I may try a couple of these strategies. I've tried some of them already.
But I have a goal. I plan on starting on Sept 1st. One because I like the idea of starting something at the beginning of a frame of time. Two it gives me some time to make a plan of attack. I'm also planning on writing in this blog about once week with a progress update.
That being said any words of inspiration and encouragement would be appreciated :)
It is a little humiliating knowing I've tried this kind of thing before. Many times in fact. And it hasn't ever worked out. I've had many doubts about my abilities. Constant unrealistic comparisons between myself and other people. Being bombarded with the best versions of other people thanks to social media. Not to mention we live in a world with Netflix! Who can get anything done?!
But I'm saying it is going to happen. New Year's Eve will have a rough draft done. And I'll be starting my New Year's Resolutions with thoughts of editing and publishing and writing new stories.
It. will. happen.
Let the countdown begin...
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