A Detour

It has been a month since I've written.

Now I know this is a big oops. Like I have no excuse. I mean yes I got engaged(!) this month. And yes I have jumped right into wedding planning mode. I mean I already have my dress for crying out loud.

But I shouldn't have let my writing take the sidelines for so long. I had all these ambitious plans for November. It's NaNo writing month after all. But it didn't happen.

That's okay though. Today is December 3rd and I can still get plenty of writing done before the end of the year. Now there is the danger of finding myself distracted by every holiday thing, not to mention more wedding planning and my general self sabotaging habits.

But I'm still going. I'm still aiming high. My goal was to have a rough draft of my book by the end of the year. Now skipping a whole month of writing is definitely a set back. But I don't want that set back to lead to another one. My goal is the same. I just need to work extra hard to get to it. And I never had any intention of having a perfectly polished story by the end of the year. I'm prepared for it to be total crap.

It just needs to be finished total crap.

11,000

I have just passed 11,000 words.

It's a lot of crap. I keep changing my mind about things as I am writing. Half my sentences probably don't work. My narrative voice keeps changing. It's lots and lots of crap.

But the point is it's lots.

I'm not sure that I have ever gotten this far in a story before. And I can already tell there will be several rewrites before I'm anywhere near ready to let someone else give me feedback.

But I'm getting it down. The bare bones of a story is getting put to paper. And it is very possible I won't like it at all. And I can already imagine some of the rewrites. But I'm not going to stop and go back and second guess. I'm gonna get it down.

I wish it rained in Southern California more often. It may be one of the biggest cliches ever but raining is perfect writing weather.

I can almost pretend it's six years ago, and I'm in the Star bucks on Great Russel Street, less than a minute walk from the British Museum.

Almost.

An Update

I wrote a thousand words a day for six days.

That wasn't bad.

It has now been a week since I've written anything.

That's bad.

But that is reality. And all I can do is push forward. Put this lazy week behind me and get back at it. Keep ignoring the lazy impulses. And tell myself things like "Just because you don't have time to write 1000 words this second at least write something."

It's making it a continuous daily habit that I struggle with. Making sure I do it even if my day sucked, or I have a bunch of errands to run, or I'm going out of town, or the TV is calling.

Here's the thing: I don't like my job. I don't. In fact I stress out every morning because I almost never know what my day will be like until I get there. So on the one hand I should be even more inspired to make my writing happen.

On the other hand I've been down this road before. I put all my eggs in one basket thinking this is it this is what I want to do. And I was very wrong.

So in other words: self doubt, fear of failing, second guessing every thought. Even I want to tell myself to shut up.

Let the Actual Writing Begin.

And Day 1 is check

As in today I wrote 1,000 words. Actually I wrote over 1,200 words. But the point is I wrote. 1,000 words. With my end game for this calendar year being a rough draft of a book 1,000 words a day is my goal attaining method.

I don't really have much else to say. Except that I am hopeful to keep saying I have written 1,000 words a day. Goals are so easy to come up with and such pains in the ass to stick with.

Also, on a personal side note, thank you to all who read my last blog post. It was not a story I ever imagined sharing and I really appreciate all the positive feedback.

So like I said Day 1 is check. We'll see how Day 2 goes.

Much Ado About Nothing

I haven't written a damn thing.

Sometimes I think about all the people who are on Facebook that could potentially be reading this and I hold back my honesty. But what is the point? What is the point in telling half truths or glossing things over or worrying what some people may think? Especially since I really have no idea who actually reads this.

I quit my job at the Valle Vista Library. And not because I suddenly found my calling as a substitute teacher. But because of the money. That's right I made a life decision based on the all mighty dollar. And that's not even the thing that's bothering me. I'm bothered by the fact that I truly believe I'm not good at it.

My lack of self confidence has been growing exponentially since my last year in college. You see, when I came back from London, I was ready. Ready to take on the world. I signed up for way too many classes, gave myself an impossible work load and made arrangements to be stage managing shows in both my last two quarters at UCI. I was full steam ahead and nothing could stop me. Only absolutely everything did.

I stage managed a show in my last quarter at UCI. And I did badly. I'm not trying to be self deprecating when I say that. I just didn't do a very good job. For one thing I was taking on a responsibility that I was not ready for. I hadn't even been an assistant stage manager yet. But my greedy ambition didn't care. I also was not making it my priority. All I ever thought about was going back to London or escaping Irvine to be home with Bradley and my friends. I just didn't care enough. And I do truly feel bad about it. I still don't think I was the best person for the job but I know I could have done better.

And the director basically called me on it. And looking back I actually appreciate how she handled it. At the time I didn't. But having a stage manager that clearly is not handling the job well had to have been frustrating. I didn't know what I was doing and I was always looking for an excuse as to why something wasn't going the right way that didn't make it my fault. And sometimes it wasn't. But either way it was not my best effort.

Now I can't over emphasize how much this experience shook me. Suddenly I was sure that I was not going to be a stage manager. And for the past three out of four years at college that was what I had been planning on. I was going to be a stage manager. And then suddenly I wasn't. I was adrift. I was scared, I was depressed I was angry at everyone and everything. And then I screwed everything up.

I had two GE courses left to graduate. That's it. Just two. And in this very angry, depressing, I don't give a shit about anything last quarter of college...I failed. I failed those last two GE courses. I did not graduate from UCI in 2011 like everyone thought I had. I had failed on a monumental scale.

Now I was able to go through with the graduation ceremony because if it is possible to graduate in the summer quarter, which it was, then you are still allowed to walk. So I did. I walked thinking vaguely of signing up for summer quarter. And after it was too late for that I thought of signing up for Fall quarter. And after it was too late for that I thought of signing up at MSJC and just taking the credits there. Excuse after excuse year after year. I spent all of 2012 being unemployed and out of school and...I don't even remember what I did.

***By the way hardly anybody actually knew about this. I kept this secret from pretty much everyone for the past five years. So Mom if you are reading this...Sorry!***

In March of 2013 I finally did get a job. I started working as a cashier at the Sizzler in Banning. And when I started to really not like that job I got my job at the library in March of 2014. And when the money wasn't getting me anywhere I finally said enough was enough. I signed up for MSJC in the Fall of 2015. I took my last two classes I needed. I finally graduated college. In March of 2016 I was hired as a substitute teacher.

Now I don't think I'm doing that badly as a substitute teacher. I'm not the greatest. I know I need to learn how to best control a class room. But I don't think I'm the worst at it. But I got a bad review on one particular job. And I know the mature adult thing to do is take the criticism for what it is, shake it off, and just focus on doing well in future jobs. But as you may have gleamed from the above story I don't handle criticism all that well.

But here is the thing. I don't have any great big dreams to become a teacher. It's not what I want to do. I want to be a writer. But I feel like I'm always writing about nothing. I thought maybe for once I should write something real. Let myself be vulnerable and just say something honest. I'm scared to post this. But I'm more scared to fail again.

There are some days when I get to the end of the day and I just think "What did I do today that was worth anything?" And it's a constant thing. It's a constant struggle I have with myself. I am my own worst enemy. And today despite finally having my degree and making more money than I personally ever have before I still don't particularly like who I see in the mirror. And that's my own issue that I need to sort out. And I know I'm not alone in feeling this way.

And I would just like to say thank you to those who have helped me and supported me (both emotionally and financially) through out my life and especially these last five years. I truly don't know what I would have done without such people as including but not limited to my parents, Bradley, Bradley's parents, my entire family, Bradley's entire family, Danny, Megan, Double J, Jolene, Anthony, Lewis, et al *Please forgive me if I didn't include your name. There's a lot of good people in my life*.

But back to my introductory sentence. I haven't written a damn thing. As far as my book is concerned. Which means I have lost a week and a half. That's okay though. A bad start does not necessarily have to lead to a bad finish.

This post got a lot more honest and confessional than I had planned. But I think that's a good thing. And I hope this didn't make too many people angry. *Again, sorry Mom*. But if I can't write honestly then I don't think I am going to get very far. I want to start believing in myself again. And I have to do that before I can ask anyone else to.

Thank you for reading. I truly do appreciate it.

Fantasia

No I have not forgotten about this writing project. And I'm not giving up on it. I get into slumps in my writing. But that doesn't mean I just stop. So...




Walt Disney's Fantasia. Disney's third animated feature film. This film is filled with beautiful instrumental music, accompanied by wonderfully imaginative animation. It showcases such classic creatures as dinosaurs, the mighty Zeus and even Mickey Mouse himself. It even inspired Disney's long running and much beloved show Fantasmic! It is also one of the most boring films Disney has ever produced.

My apologies to those who disagree. If you revere Fantasia as a great Disney classic much beloved by you and your family since childhood I have no intentions to take that away. I'm not trying to convince anyone not to like this film. I just don't understand how anyone can.

Fantasia tells five different stories or "segments" through animation set to classical music. Now while the result may be beautiful to watch and to listen to it's not exactly thrilling. The last two films Disney released had songs you could sing along with, villains who could cackle and threaten and characters with names. The colorful personalities of the characters were key elements that drew the attention of young children. The fact that Fantasia has no dialogue makes me wonder how many kids actually sat through the whole two hours.

Not to mention the fact that in between the segments the audience is shown the orchestra and given an explanation of what is about to be shown to them. I can only assume this is for the adults. Because I can't imagine children were all that enthralled by long winded explanations filled with names of composers they had no idea who they were, all told in a monotone voice. Of course I could be wrong. I'm just guessing.

I saw Fantasia a long time ago. I'm not quite sure how old I was. The only story I really remembered was the sorcerer's apprentice. And I'm pretty sure that's what most people remember. Especially since parts of it are shown in Fantasmic! and the image of Mickey wearing the sorcerer's hat is used for many different adds and visual displays. Mickey Mouse is memorable. And certain images and various moments from the segments came back to me as I watched. And while I think I can better appreciate how beautiful the animation is I don't feel I was any more entertained as an adult than I was as a child.

I don't know maybe I'm just missing the appeal. Maybe it's a bit over my head. Maybe I saw it at the wrong time. Or I just don't have the attention span for it.

I will say I love Fantasmic! and am grateful for the inspiration the film provided.

But overall not one of my favorites.

My rating of the film: 4/10

Films in order of preference so far:

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs
Pinocchio
Fantasia

Going Public

It will be done.

That's what I'm telling all of you. It will happen.

I. will. write.

I've always wanted to be a writer. But my motivation has been so lack luster. Over the past year or so I feel like I've gotten lazier and lazier. Excuse after excuse.

It's just so frustrating. I used to have more ambition and drive then I knew what to do with. There was never enough for me to be doing, always a job or project that I had to tackle. Now if I watch less than five hours of TV a day it's a miracle.

I started looking through articles and blogs about being motivated. And one piece of advice struck a chord with me. It suggested announcing your goal to friends and family. That going public with your goal adds a certain amount of pressure to be sure to get it done. No one wants to look bad publicly. So saying I am going to get something done aloud to other people adds a certain level of motivation to get it done.

Now I've done that before a couple of times and it hasn't always worked out. But I can live with my failures in the past. I've always been afraid of failing. But I've done it before. And I survived. The world didn't end. And here I am. Trying again.

So here is my goal: Have a rough draft of a book done by December 31st 2016 11:59PM.

Yes. I'm setting a deadline. Now this could be accomplished in many different ways. Writing a certain number of words a day. Writing a certain number of hours a day. So many chapters a week. Outlining the story and set dates to reach certain parts of the story. And I may try a couple of these strategies. I've tried some of them already.

But I have a goal. I plan on starting on Sept 1st. One because I like the idea of starting something at the beginning of a frame of time. Two it gives me some time to make a plan of attack. I'm also planning on writing in this blog about once week with a progress update.

That being said any words of inspiration and encouragement would be appreciated :)

It is a little humiliating knowing I've tried this kind of thing before. Many times in fact. And it hasn't ever worked out. I've had many doubts about my abilities. Constant unrealistic comparisons between myself and other people. Being bombarded with the best versions of other people thanks to social media. Not to mention we live in a world with Netflix! Who can get anything done?!

But I'm saying it is going to happen. New Year's Eve will have a rough draft done. And I'll be starting my New Year's Resolutions with thoughts of editing and publishing and writing new stories.

It. will. happen.

Let the countdown begin...

Pinocchio

Now I'm going to honest here, I've never like Pinocchio. I saw the film when I was young and I don't remember enjoying it. I re-watched it as an adult and that is still the case.

I also recently read the original story by Carlo Collodi. I didn't really enjoy that either.

Let's talk about some differences.

• Pinocchio kills Jiminy Cricket with a mallet in the original story. Jiminy also comes back to life with no explanation.
• Pinocchio is given several more opportunities to prove he is a good boy in the original story than the film. And always fails.
• Monstro is a shark not a whale
• Figaro and Cleo are not in it.

Pinocchio in general is just a creepy concept. A puppet that comes to life. I mean dress it up all you want to with fairies, a magic cricket, and wishing on stars but that is a terrifying concept. Did anyone else see Chuckie? Or those creepy episodes of Family Matters where Urkel's doll comes to life? A walking, talking puppet is just plain frightening.

Now as a character I can appreciate the fact that Pinocchio at least has somewhere to go. He doesn't understand the basic difference between right and wrong. He needs to learn and understand how to be good, truthful and unselfish. This at least is more of a character arc than Disney's previous protagonist Snow White. However, in the book Pinocchio is given so many second chances to be good that I really had lost any enthusiasm to root for him. 

The best part of the Disney version for me was the addition of Figaro and Cleo. These two characters actually helped make Gipedo much more likable and understandable. In the original story it seemed very strange to me that this old wood carver would suddenly want a wooden son. But the fact that he already has pets that he cares for in the Disney version helped make him appear more as a kind grandfather figure rather than  some creepy guy who suddenly has an attachment to a wooden object resembling a young boy. Also Figaro and Cleo are pretty darn cute.

Oh and I feel I should point out that in the original story how Pinocchio came to be Pinocchio was a little different. In the Disney version Gipedo makes a puppet, wishes upon a star for him to be real and the Blue Fairy comes down and gives him life. In the book this other character has a piece of pine and keeps thinking that he hears it talking to him. It freaks him out so when Gipedo comes to his shop he sells Gipedo this piece of wood. Then Gipedo makes the puppet out of this pine and names him Pinocchio. And there he is. 

Now the Blue Fairy still comes into play in the original story and tells Pinocchio he has to be good. But the problem with the Disney version is the Blue Fairy created the life of Pinocchio. Why wouldn't she have just created a good boy? Why would she give Gipedo only half his wish? I guess she was giving Pinocchio the freedom to make his own choices. But still...

I feel compelled to add that the whole sequence of Pleasure Island of boys being turned into donkeys and shoved into crates and calling out for their moms gave me nightmares as a little kid. I don't understand how this film is revered as a classic for children. 

My rating of the film: 5/10.

Films in order of preference so far:

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

Pinocchio.

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs

I am embarking on a new writing assignment for myself. I've decided to watch every feature length Disney animated film. And write about it. And if the story isn't an original Disney story then I'm going to read the original source and talk about both. So here we go from the beginning...

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs...


The Disney version doesn't actually stray all that far from the original story. Some of the key differences for me were;

• The number of times the queen tried to kill Snow White
• The fact that the dwarfs had no names in Grimm
• The fact that the Prince never met Snow before she was poisoned in Grimm
• Grimm has no First Love's Kiss

And of course the film added a lot of it's own Disney flare. But those were the big ones for me. 

The main thing I noticed while I was re-watching Snow White (I have seen it before a long time ago. There are a few films on the list I've never seen which I feel will change how I feel about them since they are not part of my childhood memories.) was how long the film felt. The story in Grimm's took me less then ten mins to read. The film felt long,

The film had eight songs in it which according to IMDB had been dwindled down from over a dozen. And I've got to say for the most part I still love the music. As I was listening to it I realize I strongly associate the music from the film with going to Disneyland, particularly being in Fantasyland.  Hearing the songs immediately brought feelings of childhood nostalgia. 

That being said the film spent a lot of time showing life at the cottage with Snow White and the dwarfs. The amount of time spent on the dwarfs approaching her sleeping in the bed, the sequence where they are all washing up and the whole scene where they are playing music and dancing altogether felt very long. A little too long for me.

Frankly I'm surprised so much of the dwarfs were kept in the movie when the two other times the queen tries to kill Snow were cut. She goes to the cottage in multiple disguises tricking Snow into taking things like a suffocating bodice and a poisoned comb. Also if Snow was fourteen like she is supposed to be in the film that would make her a little gullible but in the book she was seven so I guess I can excuse it. I guess...

And in the book Snow never meets the Prince in the beginning of the story. After Snow is poisoned by the apple and placed in the glass coffin the dwarfs take turns keeping a vigil over her. The prince goes by and sees how beautiful she is and asks the dwarfs if he can take her (Weird right?). Then as the Prince's men are carrying the coffin one of them stumbles and a piece of the poisoned apple pops out of Snow's mouth and she wakes up. 

I definitely understand Disney changing the ending. Snow spitting out a piece of apple is not nearly as romantic as First Love Kiss breaking the spell of Sleeping Death. And I love the classic Disney usage of starting and ending the film with the opening and closing of a story book. And this being the first full length animated feature film I understand why this movie was such a big deal. 

But...

Snow White really should not be the main character. The Queen should be.

The Queen is the character that struggles with a fatal flaw; jealousy and insecurity. She can't stand the idea of anyone being prettier than her. She continually tries to kill Snow and eventually meets her own demise in her attempts. It's her character's journey that the viewers can get something out of. Snow White on the other hand is pretty. She wishes for a prince and she gets a prince. She doesn't have any character growth through the story. The only thing she does for herself is she cooks and cleans for the dwarfs in exchange for somewhere to live. Although the animals do like 90% of the cleaning so I'm not sure that even counts as her doing anything. 

I've never really understood the appeal of Snow White as a princess to be admired. Not that there's anything particularly wrong with her but I guess I just don't see what all the fuss is about. She's pretty, she sings and she seems sweet. That's fine. Nothing to condemn but nothing to really admire either.

I guess I wouldn't place Snow White very high on my list of favorite Disney films. Though I definitely enjoy the feeling I get when I here the music from the film.

My rating of the film: 6/10.

Writing for Dummies

You can't call yourself a writer if you don't write.

I was cleaning up my room at my parents house a couple of weeks ago. I came across an old class folder from UCI. It was a folder for a class called How to Succeed in Show Business. At least I think that was the title. Something along those lines. But it wasn't just for people who wanted to go into show business. It was basically a "you're almost out of college here are some things you should know and do to be successful" kind of class. You get me?

I went through the folder. We had been given an assignment where we were basically given a bunch of questions about our life goals and ambitions. We answered where we expected to be in three, five and ten years. FYI it's been over six years since the class. And yes a lot of my expectations have definitely not come to pass. But that's okay. Dreams change. Goals get readjusted. What we wanted six years ago definitely may not be what we want today. That's not the point.

The point is I wrote. I mean my answers went on and on. I had some of the loftiest ambitions you ever heard of. Of course not everything I mapped out for my life would have gone to plan. But I didn't care. My answers were extensive. I wanted this and that and this and that. I was going to accomplish every single goal I had and I was going to impress the hell out of everyone.

When I was in college and high school I was never busy enough. I took on every responsibility I could. I was never not working a show, or working a part time job, or signing up for five courses only two of which I probably needed to take. If there was a leadership position to be had I went for it. If the teacher I needed to impress needed a volunteer there I was. It didn't matter what was on my plate. I piled on.

Now I'm not saying I was always successful at everything I did. Most of the time I was lucky to meet a deadline and no I did not pass every single class I took. Usually I took on way too much. I didn't know how to be honest with myself about what I could and couldn't handle. It was hard for me to ever say "No I can't." It just wasn't in me.

These days I have the opposite problem.

I want to be a writer. I know this to be true. But I don't make it a priority. It's way too easy for me to say "But I should really get this or that done." This blog entry I'm writing right now is the most I've written in one sitting all year. Maybe longer than that.

I'm scared. Terrified. I'm scared I'll get part way through writing a story, decide I don't like what I have, and give up. I'm scared nothing will be good enough. I'm simply scared to start.

I've been talking a lot about going to school. First for library science. Then for teaching. But the truth is I don't want to be a librarian or a teacher. Not that those aren't great jobs. It's just not what I want.

And I'm scared that even if I do get myself in gear and start writing it's still a long and uncertain path. And I'm impatient with how little of an adult I actually feel like. I want to be self sufficient. And I so am not.

And no matter how I look at it taking time to write feels selfish. Because it's going to be a long long time (if ever) before I'm paid to write. So it's taking time out of the day just for me that has no guarantee of going anywhere. And I know that everyone in my life will say "It's not selfish. Go and write." But they aren't in my head. I am.

The person I was six years ago had a lot of ideas about how her professional life would go. And while there were a lot unrealistic and naive expectations I want that fearlessness back. I want that crazy ambitious drive back. These days I could not tell you how many hours are spent on Netflix, scrolling through Facebook, playing video games, etc. So much wasted time.

I want to be busy. Busy with things that will propel me forward. I want my plate to be full again. Full of the kind of things that I can look back on at the end of the day and feel like I'm really working towards something. I want to stop stopping myself.

I don't just want to be a writer. I want to have the right to call myself a writer.

So in the spirit of my six year old college assignment here are some goals;

1) Tomorrow I will write again.

2) And the next day.

3) And the next day.

4) If 1-3 prove to be true I will add more goals.

Thanks for reading.
-Jen

A blustery day

It's been awhile...

It's been awhile since I've written in here. It's been awhile since I've written in general. I occasionally jot something down in my journal. But not much.

I reinstalled a calorie counter app I had. I've used this app on and off for the past five years. I would often record my current weight. For the first few years I gained a pound here and there but nothing extreme. Last year I gained twenty pounds.

I have yet to read a new book this year. I haven't even finished Harry Potter yet.

To say that I am disappointed in myself would be an under statement. I just don't know how to motivate myself.

Becoming a sub has been much more complicated than I thought. It's been over a month and I still haven't been board approved because...(insert long drawn out unfair story here)...I should be approved by the 3rd.

I need to feel motivated. I need to get myself in gear. I need free Star Bucks.

Tomorrow is a new day...

Marching On.

We are two months in to 2016. And I am...exhausted.

Getting into the why's and home come's isn't really what I want to be doing here. I'm just sort of checking in with myself.

I've been very good with the no alcohol. My goal was to wait until my birthday before I let myself have any and so far so good. Just one more month to go!

I've been pretty hot and cold about remembering to go for a walk every day. I started Daily Burn which is an online workout app that let's you stream work out videos to your TV. I like the videos and it seem like a good option for me. I just need to be a little more consistent.

I've been really bad about keeping up with my writing. I usually look back at my journal entries for the past month to sort of review how the month went. And I had barely any entries for February. I'm finding it harder and harder to stay positive and keep myself motivated.

But I have to remind myself that it's okay to falter a little. My biggest problem with keeping goals and resolutions is once I miss one goal or step I usually just throw in the towel. I need to be okay with not having a perfect streak or missing a small goal. So long as I don't give up on the big picture.

I'm really hoping that 2016 takes a turn for the better. And not just for myself. I know this year has already been a challenging one for multiple people I know. I feel like every where I turn someone I know is going through a hard time. I for one am ready for some positive change.

Daredevil: Season 1 Epsiode 3

In case you were wondering from my title I just watched the third episode from Daredevil season 1.

And I'm pissed.

To be honest I really had no desire to watch this show. I was kind of interested in watching Jessica Jones, Bradley and I heard that the shows were slightly connected, he was interested in watching both so here we are. Watching Daredevil.

I thought the first two episodes were okay. The show in general is a lot darker than I was expecting. Which personally I like. The television Marvel Universe isn't nearly as campy as the film Marvel Universe. There was a lot of set up and back story. Which is necessary when you are starting a story. Especially if there's a chance that some of your viewers might not be familiar with your source material! (More on this point later).

The third episode however I thought was much stronger. It started with a seemingly simple man coming into a bowling alley wanting to bowl a few frames and within two minutes this deceptively simple man ends up crushing another's man skull with a bowling ball. After this opener the rest of the story moved at a brisk pace, new and interesting characters and storylines were introduced and I spent more time watching the show than playing on my phone. And in this day and age that is a rave review.

Then came the ending scene of the episode and it ruined everything.

Side note -- I was complaining to Bradley while watching this episode that this show does what many television shows do. They constantly talk about this mysterious bad guy that all the other bad guys are working for. You know the type; a mass amount of wealth, connections in every possible entity that has a department to corrupt, and somehow knows everything about everyone who is anyone. And no one knows his name! Or at least they would rather die than say his name. It's like Voldemort everyone is convinced they'll be cursed if they say it. --End side note.

Back to that horrible ending scene. A beautiful mysterious woman with an accent in an art gallery walks up to a man in a suit who is staring at a painting. She blathers on about art and it's connection to the world or something ( I don't really remember what she said and frankly I don't think what she said will ever actually matter) and the man just stands there staring at the painting occasionally making a remark here and there. Now the woman speaks for a good minute or two and they make a point to not show the man's face until the end of the scene. Now because they are making such a fuss about revealing this man's face to the audience he is obviously someone important. So here I am watching the screen as this woman keeps talking waiting for the big reveal. Finally the woman says something she turns to the man obviously waiting for a response to whatever she just said and the camera reveals...

A big bald guy in a suit.

What the frack?!

Now of course Bradley is completely satisfied because obviously this guy is Kingpin.

I'm sorry who?!

Now if you are familiar with Marvel outside of television and movies then you possibly knew that as well. So that reveal might have worked for you. But let me tell you if are someone watching this show who didn't do the assigned reading to understand what the heck is happening that was one lame ending. And it was such a strong episode outside of that scene which really just made that scene suck even more.

In defense of the scene Bradley pointed out that by "introducing" Kingpin they were no longer doing the aforementioned Voldemort thing. Sure. We now know who the bad guy is. Or at least we can guess this apparently big deal bald guy must be the mysterious ultimate bad guy. Can we be sure? I guess we'll never know cause why would I keep watching a show that I'm not going to understand without reading the comics first?!

(I'm going to keep watching. I'm just really mad about that scene.)

But! I would like to say to those who make Marvel television: please understand that some of your viewers might not be familiar with all of your folklore. So just because you reveal a mysterious bald guy in a suit doesn't mean that it means anything to us. Also if you are going to reveal a character like that maybe choose a character more distinct than a bald guy in a suit.  

Three simple things

I'm trying three simple things.

1. Writing something everyday.

2. Going for a walk every day.

3. Only drinking alcohol at pre-planned special occasions.

My first goal for me is the most important. I've been thinking and planning to try and make something of myself as a writer. But I spend so much time planning on getting it done rather than actually doing it. I've written an hour a day for the past two days. I know that sounds like nothing and it basically is. But it's something. I wrote a page of a potential story today and I hated it. But they say beginning writers need to spend hours and hours of writing really bad stuff so they can hopefully get to some not quite as bad stuff. I just need to make it an ingrained habit. And I need to not be scared to take a chance on my own abilities.

My second goal is just to be more active. I think for the past two or three new years I've secretly had this goal in my head of completing a marathon. Now at this point in time I can barely speed walk a mile in fifteen minutes without getting extremely winded. So you know, baby steps. Now of course this is also tied into weight loss goals. But instead of focusing on "I want to weigh this much" goals I thought it would be better to have a task to complete like running a marathon. I really would like to. Now I'm a long way off from being ready so for now it's a walk a day.

My third goal is partly out of health reasons and partly because I think it becomes too easy to turn to alcohol when things aren't going well. Now I don't want to say I'm not going to drink at all this year because 1) my birthday rules and 2) I want to celebrate with others when the time is right. But I definitely want to cut back. Plus I've never heard how cutting back on alcohol can be bad for you.

So those are three simple goals I've given to myself. And I just felt like sharing :)

Always

Next month I am running a Harry Potter book night at my library. My manager asked me if I could advertise by putting a display up. I told her I could and my plan was to use our display case and turn it into a potions cupboard. I had all kinds of ideas. I had a list of materials to gather. Yesterday was my day off. I had specifically set it aside to put it all together so when I went in to work today it would be all ready to go. 

Then when I woke up yesterday morning the first thing that happened was I found out about Alan Rickman. 

I know that Alan Rickman was so much more than Severus Snape. He had done film, television and theatre. He had several other roles in film that people immediately recognized him for. 

But for me I was first introduced to Alan Rickman in a potions classroom in November 2001. 

For anyone who grew up reading the Harry Potter books a constant source of debate was the true nature of Severus Snape. Was he truly good or truly bad? 

Now while yes this debate was rooted in the books it was also a great presence in the films. While you watched the films you either hated Snape or you loved him. And which ever way you felt Alan Rickman clearly had done his job. It wasn't whether he made the characters' intentions plain that mattered. But that he made us feel something. 

It seems silly to be genuinely sad when a celebrity dies. I didn't know him. But in a strange way I felt like I did. For a decade he portrayed one my favorite characters in my favorite book. Every time I read the series he is who I picture as Severus Snape. 

I did put the display up today. I think I need to add more to it but I'm pretty proud of what I have so far. 

I think I will be dressing up as Severus Snape at the event. It just seems right. And I think just about everyone in the world beat me to all the poignant quotes either from Severus Snape or Alan Rickman himself. So I refer to my title. Thank you Alan Rickman. Always.