Summer, What Took You So Long?

I do NOT like my job.

It's not even that there are some bad days mixed in with good days. It's that there are terrible no good days mixed in with I guess I can get through this days.

One question I am constantly asked is "Are you getting your teaching credential?" Sometimes I will say "Not right now," or "Not yet." The real answer is "Not EVER!" But that's not something I love to say, especially to teachers, who are usually the ones asking.

Even though I have been told multiple times that being a regular teacher is far better than being a substitute (and I believe that) the truth is I just don't have the desire to be a teacher. I never have. It's just not my calling.

And then there is the library. At best my job there is boring and at worst it usually involves phone calls to the sheriff's station to come take care of a patron who is either drugged out, loud, violent or all three. Not my calling either.

So then what am I doing with my life? I've been applying to jobs I find on Edjoin (primarily office type positions, some library ones) not because I really want the jobs but I would like to have one full time job (which at 29 years old I have never had) as opposed to working two part time jobs (one of which I have to commute to).

What do I actually want to be doing? Writing of course. And I would like to go back to school for it. There is a lot of debate about whether it's worth it to go to school for writing since yes you can just do it on your own at home. But I feel like I would really benefit from instruction from professors with experience in the field and actual English degrees.

Then why not just shut up and do it already? MONEY! And a whole lot of guilt. Right now I'm somewhere in the ballpark of $50,000 in student loan debt. I will be paying that off for a very, VERY long time. This debt is part of why I am subbing. Subbing actually requires a bachelor's degree so I am at least putting my degree some what to use. And it pays fairly well.  And grad school is looking like another good 30-40K.

I am terrified that I'll put myself in even more debt for nothing. I know it could lead to other jobs besides getting my own work published. But that opens up a whole other conversation about what to do with this very expensive degree. And aside from getting my own work published I wouldn't know what to say I want from it. I have looked into starting out slow like taking some classes at RCC. I still need to finish financial paper work and actually talk to someone down there about the likelihood of getting into the classes I want.

Right now I am looking at a solid 10 WEEKS of no subbing!!! Money wise that is a bummer but in every other conceivable way that is great news. I am going to see how much writing I can actually get out of myself. Maybe actually make real progress on that book I keep promising myself I will write. And hopefully have some real work that could at least theoretically be used as writing samples for grad school applications.

On a side note, an old friend of mine has been traveling a lot. To me it seems non stop. She is constantly posting about the new and exciting places she has been. But then the other day she posted how she feels like she missed some crucial life lessons in other areas of her life. How she feels like she is miles behind friends around her in where she ought to be in life. And I'm constantly feeling like I missed some crucial steps, professionally at least. It's weird that someone you might feel jealous of could in fact be jealous of you.

So it's good to remember that even though some areas of my life might not be going exactly as I would want, other areas are pretty fantastic. And I constantly, CONSTANTLY need to remind myself not to compare my success with the success of others. And not to let anyone's opinion (even people I know in real life and not just on Facebook) make me feel like it's a bad thing to go after what I want.

And so summer writing here we go...see you on the other side.

30 Before 30 Bucket List

Why So Sirius?

Every year I re-watch the Harry Potter movies just before my birthday in preparation for my Harry Potter birthday party. And every year I come to the same conclusion. And here it is, my most likely unpopular opinion is...

Prisoner of Azkaban is the WORST Harry Potter film. 

Yep. I said it. It's my opinion. And I know a lot of people will disagree with me. I know in fact that many people say just the opposite. That Prisoner of Azkaban is the best of the Harry Potter movies. And that's what gets me. Is this movie is held in such high regard for a lot of people. And I don't think it should be.

And if I'm being totally honest and fair (and believe me, I'm trying to be) maybe if I could look at it as just a movie maybe I could enjoy it just a little bit more. But I can't look at it as just a movie. And I don't think it should be looked at as just a movie. It is an adaptation. An adaptation that is part of a series of adaptations. Two adaptations were made before this one and four (or five depending on how you look at it) would come after this. This isn't some random, fun kids movie where you can come and make your artistic mark Alfonso!

Being a Harry Potter director, you have a responsibility to honor what has been created before you, what other directors will have to do after you and MOST importantly what J.K. Rowling put on that freaking page! I don't think Alfonso Cuaron respected what he was a part of. And I really think he should have.

So...as I watched it again this year I decided to make a list. A list of all the reasons I have for not liking this movie. Now I will admit SOME of these reasons are me being nit picky. Cause when I start talking about problems with this movie I tend to just go on and on. So perhaps some of these reasons are a little too particular. BUT I will say A LOT of these complaints are real problems. Choices that should NOT have been made. Glaring plot devices left out, out of character choices or actions, but most of all it is a lot of wasted film time. Alfonso added a lot of...color?...to the script. Small little extra scenes or gimmicks that were largely unnecessary. Which makes the fact that he cut out huge plot story lines all the more frustrating. 

So here is my list. And to be fair I also decided to make a list of things I liked about the movie, just to see if they out weighed my complaints. As you can see...they don't. 

Reasons Azkaban was good

1. The Dementors were done well
2. The new cast members were good
3. The costumes got better
4. The kids were getting better
5. The little hints of Harry and Hermione time traveling are pretty good

Reasons Prisoner of Azkaban is a bad movie

1. That stupid Jamaican skull
2. Why would Harry ask Stan who the man on his newspaper is? He didn’t see him on the muggle news like he was supposed to.
3. Why is Tom the bar keeper suddenly a hunchback?
4. Why not show Harry getting the Monster Book of Monsters in the mail? Why not say it’s from Hagrid?
5. Why is Hermione suddenly calling Ron Ronald?
6. Why have the newspaper clip of the Weasley’s in Egypt if you aren’t going to mention that Fudge showed it to Black?  
7. Why on earth does Hogwarts suddenly have a choir?
8. What the fuck did he do to Flitwick?
9. The change of the Fat Lady was really that vital?
10. I would have taught Harry and Seamus that when they try improv to not say the exact same thing.
11. Why was the scene with the boys and the candy that makes them sound like animals in there?
12. Who is that random ass black kid who gets like two different lines? Dean Thomas is RIGHT THERE!!
13. Why does Harry spend what feels like half the movie riding that damn hippogriff. It takes like half a page in the book!
14. Why do they have all their books out in the great hall? It’s not the library!
15. How stupid did they think the audience was? Lupin’s boggart was never explicitly identified as the moon in the beginning, it was an ambiguous orb. Yet they clearly made it look like the moon. Spoon feed it to us guys, kay?
16. Why is Dumbledore pausing to spit out philosophical phrases not even in the book?
17. No mention of Cedric, Cho or the fact that Malfoy’s injury is being faked and that’s why Slytherin isn’t playing.
18. Harry’s moms scream does not sound like a mom screaming for her son. And it doesn’t sound like she is saying Harry.
19. Who is that random kid with Malfoy and Crabbe when they approach Ron and Hermione at the shrieking shack? Cause it sure ain’t goyle
20. There’s no indication of when Lupin is falling ill.
21. They make Hermione act like a whiny bitch in divination. She may not like the subject but Hermione is respectful. But in the film she has bitch face the whole time and gives Trelawney attitude.
22. Why does Harry see Sirius in the damn crystal ball?
23. Hermione’s whole ride on the whomping willow was unnecessary. And why didn’t they have Crookshanks freeze the tree?
24. It doesn’t make sense that Harry knocks Snape out. He’s not powerful enough for that on his own. It’s supposed to be him, ron and hermione combined.
25. That werewolf was riddikulus
26. What’s with the little dot that comes out of Sirius when the dementors are attacking? Is that supposed to be his soul? Read a book!
27. Hermione says they travel back to 7:30pm. The sun would be down by then.
28. There’s supposed to be a lot more drama with Hermione and the boys, especially Ron. But taking out the story line with the Firebolt took away from it. And Ron was not talking to her after Scabbers appears to be eaten.
29. Who are Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs? I mean you saw the movie, you must know who they are right? I mean the movie wouldn’t leave out such a huge and basic plot point right? Right?! RIGHT?!!?!?!?!
30. The final scene with the Firebolt...stupid. Yep, that’s my assessment.

So there you go. That's my rant for the night. Reading it back I'm sure some of it won't be such a big deal to others. But if you are going to defend any of Alfonso's choices please don't let it be #29. Number 29 is my BIGGEST complaint. It is maddening that it is not explained in the film. It hurts me. SIGH........

Okay rant over. Onto Goblet of Fire...

Remembering Yourself

It is easy to blame yourself.

I'm taking a life lesson from the bachelor. That's right, the bachelor. I mean not from Arie himself, he sucks. But from the show.

Every time the bachelor broke up with someone, the girl would say "What did I do wrong?" "What's wrong with me?" They would place the blame on themselves. And for God's sake why?! You did nothing wrong.

It is so easy to recognize your own flaws. To think of all the things you did or didn't do in a relationship. And I'm not strictly speaking about a romantic one. But constantly reliving the past. What if I had done this instead. What if I shouldn't have said that. Maybe if I had talked more or less. 

Enough is enough. Someone not wanting you to be a part of their life is on them.

It is very, very hard for me to not take things personally. To take them to heart. Especially when it is personal. Why should someone else's opinion of you inform your own self worth?

Loving and respecting yourself is important. Especially when someone you thought was a friend doesn't show you the same love and respect. And it is harder to remember to love yourself when someone you care about treats you and your feelings with indifference. Indifference is so much worse than anger. Because they just don't care. Which is a hard pill to swallow when you still do.

So next time someone breaks up with you or ends a friendship with you here is my two cents. Instead of asking yourself "What's wrong with me?" ask them "What the hell is wrong with you?!"

I'm done

"I want a list of my history."

"Oh we don't keep a record of what you check out."

"Last time they had a list for me. You don't see what I've checked out there?"

"All I have here is a list of the books you turned in late and have late fees for.

"Yeah, that's what I was talking about."

"Okay-"

"Can I get that list?"

"Sure, let me go-"

"Cause I should be able to see my history, they got it for me last time."

"Just one second Ma'am."

...

"Here you go."

"So help me understand your list. What am I seeing?"

"Here is the name of the book you turned in late and here is the late fee."

"Why doesn't it show the day the book was due?"

"It shows the date you turned them in."

"Well how do I know why I'm being charged this amount?"

"We charge 25 cents a day per item so-"

"Yes I understand how much you charge. But why should I be charged this amount? Your list doesn't make sense."

"Well-"

"Where's the due date?"

"The list just shows the date you turned them in, not the due date."

"Okay, well I can fight this." Goes to leave. Turns back around.

"Who can I talk to about this?"

"My supervisor."

"But where does the money go?"

"To my supervisor."

"Oh so she keeps the money and takes it home."

"No she would handle the transaction."

"But who gets the money. Who does the bookkeeping?"

"Uh..."

"Do you know what that is? How old are you?"

"Ma'am let me get you my supervisors card."

The late fee was 4 bucks.

Dumbo and Bambi

Continuing my writing on Disney films that I took a break from well over a year ago.



I half love and half hate this movie.

On the one hand this movie beautifully conveys the love a mother has for her son. Mrs. Jumbo immediately embraces her son for who he his. It doesn't matter to her for one second that he has over large ears. What does matter to her is how horribly her son is treated by everyone else.

What makes no sense to me is the fact that over five minutes of screen time and a whole musical number is devoted to Dumbo and Timothy Q. Mouse "seeing pink elephants" and the fact that Dumbo learns to fly is an after thought of the last two minutes of the movie.

I mean the movie is already pretty short. Why spend over five minutes of the film on what could arguably be the least important part of it? And then why only mention Dumbo learns to fly right at the very end? Growing up the fact that Dumbo could fly was one of the few things I even remembered about the movie. They have a ride at Disneyland about it. But in the film it's not really treated like a big plot point.

My rating of the film:6/10



Moving on to Bambi. The truth is I really don't have too much to say about this one. I enjoy the animation. Disney actually reuses the animation from Bambi in a lot of his other films. The music is fine. Nothing too memorable actually. The characters are cute. I mean baby deer, bunnies, birds and even skunks are pretty damn precious.

But the story frankly is kind of a snooze. Baby deer is born. He makes friends. His mother dies. He grows up. He has his own baby deer. And that is pretty much it. Everyone always references this movie as being monumentally sad as well. And sure it was sad. But maybe I just expect more tragedy now to really have an effect. I mean when I saw Coco the other day I bawled my eyes out. But with Bambi? Not so much.

My rating of the film: 6/10

Films in order of preference so far:

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs
Bambi
Dumbo
Pinocchio
Fantasia

One Type of Outlook

There are people that just radiate positivity. They are all rainbows and butterflies and unicorns are real and every day is a gift and being around them automatically makes you and everyone else around a million times happier.

How the hell does someone do that?

I'd love to be a positive person. I'd love to be the type of person that makes others say "She's so fun!" and "she always brings out the best in me" and "she always make the most of any given situation."
Trouble is I am nothing like that.

I assume the worst. In situations and usually in people also. And in myself.

I contemplate every possible outcome of almost every situation. If A happens then X person will be upset but if I do B then Y person just might take it wrong. And what if I can't do C? Then I'll have to do D, E and F and then everyone from A-Z will hate me forever. Am I overthinking this?

Some people can just go for things. They take a chance on others or themselves. They stop all the wondering. They don't dwell on the past or worry about the future. They just live.

Can anyone really change? The fundamental part of what makes them who they are.

Maybe that person who cut in front of me on the highway had a good reason.
Maybe they had an emergency.
Maybe they just had the worst day of their life.
Maybe they didn't mean to.

Maybe they are just a bitch.

Then again, maybe there are already enough positive people. Maybe some people just need to be negative to create some balance in the world. Hey, that's a fairly positive view of things.

2018 - the year of positivity. Oh who am I kidding?

2018 - the year the bitch got shit done.